it's catching up with me

it's catching up with me
the panic
the nausea
the wasted years
the carelessness
the dissipation
the decay of the senses
it's catching up with me
the years are fewer
the choices are less
the companions have gone their way
the end seems nearer
it's catching up with me
i fear with my bones now
i hear with my gut now
i see with my skin now
and it's all catching up with me
surrounding me
ensnaring me
gripping me
the days are shorter
the light is paler
the numbers are fewer
the chances are slighter
the dreams have fled
my dreary waking
to find
a world that's hostile
a land that's infertile
a people who mock me
and still no hope in sight

awake at dawn
and empty
strength spent
ambition gone
tell myself "carry on, carry on"
get up, stumble, yawn
eat, drink, read, write

and whatever happened to that place
that far distant place
when did I find out
it didn't exist
when did it disappear
without word
when did it wish me good luck
and go away?

we stumble into this life
far greater than ourselves
and get spat out
far smaller
than we are