kerouac and cassady died lonely deaths
kerouac's liver burst, blood poured out of his anus and mouth
and he cried out, though nobody heard him
there was nobody left for him by then maybe
"NO PLEASE, NO NOT LIKE THIS, HELP!"
Help!
and cassady didn't fare much better
though perhaps he died a less painful death
he just collapsed on a railway track
in San Miguel de Allende
and just numbed his way to the other side
these two men
Tom and Huck
they both died alone
after all the years of ecstasies and revelations
of epiphanies and adventures and jubilations
the whores and the revelries and the poetry
the women and the booze and the heroizations
two men in their 40s
two men who lived and dealt with failure
as husbands and fathers
two men who were always leaving loved ones behind
women and children and mothers
two men searching always for their lost fathers
and the one big sky Father who only
ever seemed to make brief appearances
at 3am binges
two men who dealt with the burden of fame
one looked down on by literary snobs
"that's not writing, that's just typing" they said
and the other, the holy goof
became a circus act
crossing the country with a busload of hippies
entertaining
smiling and goofing around for souvenir photos
"fuck it, i'll do all that LSD, I don't give a shit"
they had their clear crystal moments
but a lot of it was probably just a blurred frenzy
and the road just kept stretching ahead of them
getting longer and longer
and I guess there comes a time when you know
you can't travel them all anymore
and there is no end to them anyway
and some of those roads can never be found again anyway
and the Father never lets himself be found either
and which of those roads is he on right now anyway?
he can't really be found
i mean FOUND... and the IT, the great musical moment
the bop jazz free flow great big blowing IT
bolstered with drinks and drugs and companions and the right lighting
even the great ITs in New Orleans and Paris and Tangiers and New York and Frisco
even that didn't last
for these two wandering monks on a lifelong pilgrimage searching for
what were they searching for?
whatever it was, whatever IT was
they never found it
nobody ever finds it
because that's where it was all along
and who was it that started that whole filthy rumor
that the destination can only be found at the end?
