Left: Awww, how cute! The dick who hates the poor and starts wars is all lovey dovey with the creep who molests little girls!
This is part three of the "Things we should stop putting up with" series, in which a snotty opinionated shithead (me) divulges all the things that make his head boil and mouth foam to errant wandering internet surfer who by some incredibly improbable concatenation of wrong turns and missteps has wandered onto this desolate site (you). Parts one and two are back here and here respectively. So, yap yap yap, here's another obnoxious list of things I think we could probably do without... but this time I'm not numbering them because after I number them I always change my mind about which order I want them in so then I have to redo all the numbers when I do that and it's just a big pain in the... anyway, here's the list:
Puerto Rican pride. The first rule to being proud of your country is that it should at least be INDEPENDENT. Otherwise all you have to be proud of is Ricky Martin, big butts and fried chicken.
Free Willy 4. Killer Whales (yes KILLER whales, hello?) kill baby grey whales. They gang up and drive the baby whale from its mother, then they drown the baby whale by jumping on it repeatedly before eating its tongue without even bothering with the rest of the carcass. They're murderous and wasteful. When you keep freeing Willy you're actually killing baby grey whales. Also, I haven't seen any of the movies or anything, but if you have to free Willy four times maybe the motherfucker doesn't really want to be free?
Silvio Berlusconi. I don't understand. How could a nation that pretty much invented everything, gave us the Renaissance, and produced men like da Vinci, Michelangelo and Del Piero end up being ruled by a sleazy megalomaniacal pedophiliac cruise singer? Oh wait, they also produced Benito Mussolini, didn't they? Ok, never mind.
3D TV. WHOA! Wait just a minute! You mean to tell me the car looks like it's outside of the screen!? Put me on the installment plan for that nauseating three thousand dollar gimmick!
"If I told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?" If I told you to tiptoe around a straw man on a slippery slope with a red herring shoved into a non sequitur tautology, would you stop changing the subject?
Watching news rather than reading it. Reading is so hard. But when I see a screen and someone reads me the news to me I can understand the news more better because their are pictures and I just have to listen to it and look at it to now whats happening in the world.
BBC. What happened to all the documentaries and comedy? Why am I always watching people decorate a house?
Banning websites. Anybody can get into any website anyway through proxies or fooling around with secret numbers in weird parts of their computer, so why not spare your country the embarrassment of looking like such a shitty outdated third-world joke to the rest of the civilized world and chill the fuck out?
Not being able to maintain a logical thread. Wait a minute, before going to point B don't forget point A, because otherwise... oh no, too late, you're rambling nonsensically at point WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?
Fining people for not wearing helmets. It's ironic that you're being punished for not protecting something that can't even figure out for itself that it should be protected.
Magicians. Bravo. You hide people in secret compartments and dress like a douche.
Charging people for luggage carts at airports. Hey, while you're making a buck off of my unfortunate need for help in carrying all this luggage, maybe, on top of the exorbitant airport tax I already have to pay for your sleek new designer plane station, you could also charge me a little extra for using the escalators, walking on your floor, and using up such a sizable chunk of the oxygen in your airport? I love to travel with a big bag of coins in my pocket anyway, just in case.
Girls puckering their lips for photos. The only thing all those kissy poses say is that you think you're really sexy. If you really want to be sexy then a simple natural bright-eyed smile is all you need to give guys wood.
The Kardashians. In case you've never seen the Kardashians, here it is in a nutshell: "Oh my God you guys, I have so much going on in my life right now, this is a really crazy time for me you guys, so let's go and shop for panties and then bicker and then shop some more and then, like, go to Miami and tell each other to, like, back off, because, like, you're being a total psycho and you're not my mother... oh wait, you are my mother, whateverrr, you're being super controlling, so just leave me alone! Oh no, I'm lonely now, come back you guys! Oh my God, I'm gonna cry you guys, I love you guys! Euuuw I, like, totally hate you guys! You're being such a bitch! You're such a BLEEEP bitch! I love you again, you're like family you guys! Listen to me drone on and on about how selfish everyone is except me! Hey you guys, be honest, does my big butt make my big butt look big? Let's go put on a ton of mascara and wear giant sunglasses! Is that like a paradox or something you guys? Whatever, words are for nerds. Oh my God you guys I just realized, like, how come Robert's name doesn't begin with a K, like Kris and Kim and Kourtney and Khloe and Kendall and Kylie? Shouldn't he be, like, I don't know, Kobert? Oh right, only the girls start with K, probably because, like, mom's name starts with K... oh and Kardashian starts with a K too! Yay! Oh my God you guys, I just realized we have no talent and we don't do anything. That makes me depressed you guys. Let's go shopping again!"
Yes yes, I know, I watch the Kardashians and the joke's on me.
Republicans. I don't think we should be too hard on Republicans. I mean, which one of us hasn't sucked Satan's cock at some point in our lives, right?
Astrologers. Oh yeah, in 1981 Alpha Centauri and the PHR7001 constellation were aligned with Saturn above the 48th gradient of the 38th parallel at a longitude of 52-degrees at 6:52 am when you were coming out of your mother's womb, which is why you have an easy-going personality and like the color blue. That makes sense.
People who complain about how crowded it is. Hey dumbass, guess who's also in this crowd that you're complaining about? I'll give you a hint, it starts with a You.
Teen vampires and wizards. I know we all fantasized about having extraordinary qualities that made us special and unique when we were geeky acne-riddled teenage virgins hungry for girls' attention, but isn't our interest in immortal bloodsuckers and broom-riding wand-wielders a little rich? Whatever happened to all the well-adjusted teen geeks of yore who were into muscular animal-themed superheroes who had secret identities and wore capes and masks and body-hugging one-piece suits? Why did all those clean wholesome latently homosexual white-bread football-captain-type heroes suddenly degenerate into super goths and magic nerds? When did things start getting weird-er?
Being offended. Boo-fucking-hoo. You're offended.
Colonel Qaddafi. It's amazing what can be done in the Third World. Usually the only person you'd expect to get away with wearing funny costumes, sleeping in tents, having female bodyguards, blowing up planes and speaking mad ravings of unintelligible gibberish, would be a retired delusional circus manager with a coke problem who now runs a sleazy strip club and owns a bazooka. But in the Third World, that guy becomes the leader of a whole country! And not just as a wacky "what would happen if?" kind of experiment either, because he gets to be the leader FOREVER, and he even gets to call his country whatever he wants, like say "Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya"! Dreams might just come true in America (<-sarcasm), but you're in real trouble when deranged insanity can become the law in the Third World.
Being against swear words. If it weren't for swear words, you'd have to listen to stuff like this: "Gee shucks, just wait one cotton-pickin' minute mister, those words are offensive to my ears, gosh darn it! You better clean up that potty mouth or by golly I'm going to shove this soap so far down your throat you're going to be blowing little brown bubbles out your chocolate starfish, y'hear?" Which is more disturbing, that or "fuck off"?
Identifying with sports teams. Why don't you also just go for the color red? You have about as much input into the success of the color red as you do your whateverball team, so why don't you just pick red and be proud of it. You could pump your fists and whoop every time you pass a fire hydrant.
Frappa-cappu-mochachinos. Black coffee is coffee. Everything else is liquid candy.
Marrying royalty. Sure, you're marrying a prince and getting a cool title, but all you're really doing is signing up for a lifetime of shaking hands, smiling at cameras, cutting ribbons and acting friendly to crowds of people you would never ever associate with otherwise.
Rubberneckers. Hey, what happened? What's going on? What am I looking at here? Why am I staring at this? How did I suddenly find myself in a confused crowd of blank-eyed bystanders looking quizzically at each other trying to figure out if anybody knows why we're all standing here looking quizzically at each other in a confused crowd of blank-eyed bystanders?
Reality TV. Reality TV is not real. Real Reality TV is what you would get if a camera could show you You watching Reality TV in your living room as you play with your toes and squeak out farts before passing out on your couch with Cheetos sprinkled all over your sweater. That's some nasty hard-hitting reality right there. No, what you're watching as "Reality TV" is actually the nadir of human civilization at the End of Days when the Sixth Seal tears open and Satan's hordes pour forth to cover the earth in cascading torrents of demonic smegma. So there's a slight difference.
Religious people telling you what's good for you. You're telling me drinking is bad? You believe in angels and prophets! What the fuck do you know!?
People who can't use an ATM in under a minute. Oh my God, there are so many buttons and so many options! I must choose very carefully, as the sequence in which I press these buttons will determine whether I can obtain the magic papers inside the machine that I can exchange for necessary goods and services in the real world! I must read everything twice, and maybe even start over when I lose concentration halfway down the list of what denominations I would like my money in and how big an amount I need it to be! There's a long line of people behind me now huffing and sighing and shifting noisily and looking at their watches... uh, where was I? Oh yeah, the pin code, I must first enter the pin code... Why isn't it responding? Oh, it's not a touchscreen... What was with Mark's pissy comment on Facebook this morning anyway? Boy, I really should get a haircut...wait what was I doing again? Oh yeah, the ATM. I'm at the ATM. Oh wait, wrong pin, that's the one I use for my bicycle lock! God, I'm such a moronic shitferbrains who doesn't deserve to have any money anyway! Isn't that ironic?
(That whole passage should be read in the voice of Ed Grimley, with an "I must say" added at the end of every two sentences)
Guys who are into fashion models. Wait, so let me get this straight: your idea of an ideal woman is a cold anorexic chain-smoking prepubescent with no breasts, no ass, no hips, and no curves? Well then you're in luck, because even though you will most likely never ever sleep with a fashion model, you could probably just make do by having sex with a clothes rack.
Saying "and I" instead of "and me". Mary came to talk to John and I. She told I that she would rather not hang out with I because I don't even know what an objective pronoun is. Sometimes she really infuriates I!
Being famous. Whoop-dee-doo, everybody knows who you are. Clap clappity clap.
People who don't know how to step aside and give way. You are walking side by side by side by side. You are blocking the entire sidewalk. You are walking at a slow pace and chitchatting. You realize other people are also using the sidewalk, and yet you are startled and turn to look when they excuse themselves and say they would like to pass. How does this happen? Why do you live in a big invisible bubble of self-entitlement?
Pluto. That's right, you heard us: FUCK OFF, YOU'RE NOT A PLANET!
Plato. Um, you're not a planet either... so I guess you can fuck off too.
Writing workshops. Are you more interested in becoming a writer than you are in writing? Well now you too can get all the connections and learn all the tricks to putting out inane drivel to become a bestselling author! Drown out any originality you may have had by conforming to styles and themes of writing that literary agents and publishers think will sell the most! Keep in mind what readers want, and write accordingly! Utilize our ten step guides to plot creation and character development! Learn from our trained academics, because they're professors! Are you a professor? Didn't think so. Apply now!
Empty bottles in drinks cabinets. Ok we get it, you once owned a fancy bottle of whisky, but I need a drink now and I thought I was getting a drink because the label on the bottle pretty much says "this is a drink", but instead I'm getting air. And frustration. Lot's of frustration. Why is this bottle still here?
Not being able to heed a traffic signal. Why are you walking across and holding up traffic when it says DON'T WALK? If you were in such a hurry that you couldn't spare 20 seconds of not walking, then you wouldn't be walking in the first place, because you'd be in a car swearing at some asshole like you who couldn't stop walking for 20 seconds.
The chicken or the egg? Enough with the chicken. The egg obviously came first, because the origin of new species is a result of natural selection whereby certain mutations in the DNA of a particular species are passed on to an offspring by chromosomally combining in a new egg. That egg will contain the first creature that will be born a "chicken", viz. with more chicken-like genetic characteristics than the genetic characteristics of whatever pre-chicken species it evolved from, which would be, um... a T-Rex? So anyway, in short, the egg wins.
Commercials. Hey look at me, I'm an actor acting like I like this product so you should too because we assume you're probably too dumb to form an opinion of your own and will probably just do what some actor tells you to do, so go buy this thing you will never need at all, ever!
Moral vegetarians. Hey Mister "I Don't Eat Anything With A Face", what's up with your bias against aprosopic organisms? What makes you think ripping plants out of the ground while they're still alive and grinding them to death with your teeth isn't just as barbaric as eating an animal? Every time you gnash a plant to death, you're killing one more organism that provides us with oxygen and cleans up the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Do you want to suffocate us all and let the world become one big poisonous bubble? It's time you stopped eating anything organic whatsoever and starved to death for the good of our planet. It's the only morally sensible thing to do.
Super genius movie heroes. Why does every Hollywood film these days have some genius main character? It's either some genius secret agent, or genius spy, or genius soldier, or genius stockbroker, or genius lawyer, or genius athlete, genius this, genius that. Why don't we make more realistic films about the stupid spies who couldn't figure out there weren't really any WMDs in Iraq, or the dimwit secret agents who still haven't been able to locate Osama bin Laden, or the birdbrains going to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the nincompoop bankers and brokers who led to the 2008 economic meltdown, or the nitwits who couldn't put OJ Simpson behind bars, or the dum dum golfer who screwed up his marriage and career by banging a few too many cocktail waitresses? Why not be a little more realistic?
Over-confidence. It's good to be confident, but these days everybody thinks they're going to conquer the world and beat everyone at everything and become a millionaire and yaps on and on about it. Why not a little humility and realism? Why not accept that most of us are going to lead sad and pointless little lives before dying of cancer? That should at least help us regain some perspective.
Punk. Despite protestations to the contrary from punk music fans, when even people in advertising agencies and law firms are into punk music these days, that means punk is in fact dead. Well dead.
Clinking glasses with every toast. Why do we have to maneuver around everybody's hands and arms to touch glasses and look in every person's eyes and smile every time we toast, as if we're freemasons or Georgian mafia or something? Why don't we just raise our glasses in the air, say cheers, and drink already?
People who cover their ears when ambulances pass. Oh I'm sorry, should they be a little more quiet on their way to saving people's lives? Would that be easier on your delicate little ear drums?
Birthday presents. Oh hey, here's something you don't need but which you're going to have to pretend to like anyway, and be grateful for, and have to reciprocate in the future! Isn't this fun? Happy birthday!
New Year's resolutions. Dear Me, I don't even really know why the new year begins on January first and not May first or April first or something, but I think it would be a good random point in time to change myself for the better, become healthier, be more responsible, and put an end to self-destructive habits... at least until December 31, which would be a good random point in time to get wasted and do a ton of blow.
Identifying with sports teams. Why don't you also just go for the color red? You have about as much input into the success of the color red as you do your whateverball team, so why don't you just pick red and be proud of it. You could pump your fists and whoop every time you pass a fire hydrant.
Frappa-cappu-mochachinos. Black coffee is coffee. Everything else is liquid candy.
Marrying royalty. Sure, you're marrying a prince and getting a cool title, but all you're really doing is signing up for a lifetime of shaking hands, smiling at cameras, cutting ribbons and acting friendly to crowds of people you would never ever associate with otherwise.
Rubberneckers. Hey, what happened? What's going on? What am I looking at here? Why am I staring at this? How did I suddenly find myself in a confused crowd of blank-eyed bystanders looking quizzically at each other trying to figure out if anybody knows why we're all standing here looking quizzically at each other in a confused crowd of blank-eyed bystanders?
Reality TV. Reality TV is not real. Real Reality TV is what you would get if a camera could show you You watching Reality TV in your living room as you play with your toes and squeak out farts before passing out on your couch with Cheetos sprinkled all over your sweater. That's some nasty hard-hitting reality right there. No, what you're watching as "Reality TV" is actually the nadir of human civilization at the End of Days when the Sixth Seal tears open and Satan's hordes pour forth to cover the earth in cascading torrents of demonic smegma. So there's a slight difference.
Religious people telling you what's good for you. You're telling me drinking is bad? You believe in angels and prophets! What the fuck do you know!?
People who can't use an ATM in under a minute. Oh my God, there are so many buttons and so many options! I must choose very carefully, as the sequence in which I press these buttons will determine whether I can obtain the magic papers inside the machine that I can exchange for necessary goods and services in the real world! I must read everything twice, and maybe even start over when I lose concentration halfway down the list of what denominations I would like my money in and how big an amount I need it to be! There's a long line of people behind me now huffing and sighing and shifting noisily and looking at their watches... uh, where was I? Oh yeah, the pin code, I must first enter the pin code... Why isn't it responding? Oh, it's not a touchscreen... What was with Mark's pissy comment on Facebook this morning anyway? Boy, I really should get a haircut...wait what was I doing again? Oh yeah, the ATM. I'm at the ATM. Oh wait, wrong pin, that's the one I use for my bicycle lock! God, I'm such a moronic shitferbrains who doesn't deserve to have any money anyway! Isn't that ironic?
(That whole passage should be read in the voice of Ed Grimley, with an "I must say" added at the end of every two sentences)
Guys who are into fashion models. Wait, so let me get this straight: your idea of an ideal woman is a cold anorexic chain-smoking prepubescent with no breasts, no ass, no hips, and no curves? Well then you're in luck, because even though you will most likely never ever sleep with a fashion model, you could probably just make do by having sex with a clothes rack.
Saying "and I" instead of "and me". Mary came to talk to John and I. She told I that she would rather not hang out with I because I don't even know what an objective pronoun is. Sometimes she really infuriates I!
Being famous. Whoop-dee-doo, everybody knows who you are. Clap clappity clap.
People who don't know how to step aside and give way. You are walking side by side by side by side. You are blocking the entire sidewalk. You are walking at a slow pace and chitchatting. You realize other people are also using the sidewalk, and yet you are startled and turn to look when they excuse themselves and say they would like to pass. How does this happen? Why do you live in a big invisible bubble of self-entitlement?
Pluto. That's right, you heard us: FUCK OFF, YOU'RE NOT A PLANET!
Plato. Um, you're not a planet either... so I guess you can fuck off too.
Writing workshops. Are you more interested in becoming a writer than you are in writing? Well now you too can get all the connections and learn all the tricks to putting out inane drivel to become a bestselling author! Drown out any originality you may have had by conforming to styles and themes of writing that literary agents and publishers think will sell the most! Keep in mind what readers want, and write accordingly! Utilize our ten step guides to plot creation and character development! Learn from our trained academics, because they're professors! Are you a professor? Didn't think so. Apply now!
Empty bottles in drinks cabinets. Ok we get it, you once owned a fancy bottle of whisky, but I need a drink now and I thought I was getting a drink because the label on the bottle pretty much says "this is a drink", but instead I'm getting air. And frustration. Lot's of frustration. Why is this bottle still here?
Not being able to heed a traffic signal. Why are you walking across and holding up traffic when it says DON'T WALK? If you were in such a hurry that you couldn't spare 20 seconds of not walking, then you wouldn't be walking in the first place, because you'd be in a car swearing at some asshole like you who couldn't stop walking for 20 seconds.
The chicken or the egg? Enough with the chicken. The egg obviously came first, because the origin of new species is a result of natural selection whereby certain mutations in the DNA of a particular species are passed on to an offspring by chromosomally combining in a new egg. That egg will contain the first creature that will be born a "chicken", viz. with more chicken-like genetic characteristics than the genetic characteristics of whatever pre-chicken species it evolved from, which would be, um... a T-Rex? So anyway, in short, the egg wins.
Commercials. Hey look at me, I'm an actor acting like I like this product so you should too because we assume you're probably too dumb to form an opinion of your own and will probably just do what some actor tells you to do, so go buy this thing you will never need at all, ever!
Moral vegetarians. Hey Mister "I Don't Eat Anything With A Face", what's up with your bias against aprosopic organisms? What makes you think ripping plants out of the ground while they're still alive and grinding them to death with your teeth isn't just as barbaric as eating an animal? Every time you gnash a plant to death, you're killing one more organism that provides us with oxygen and cleans up the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Do you want to suffocate us all and let the world become one big poisonous bubble? It's time you stopped eating anything organic whatsoever and starved to death for the good of our planet. It's the only morally sensible thing to do.
Super genius movie heroes. Why does every Hollywood film these days have some genius main character? It's either some genius secret agent, or genius spy, or genius soldier, or genius stockbroker, or genius lawyer, or genius athlete, genius this, genius that. Why don't we make more realistic films about the stupid spies who couldn't figure out there weren't really any WMDs in Iraq, or the dimwit secret agents who still haven't been able to locate Osama bin Laden, or the birdbrains going to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, or the nincompoop bankers and brokers who led to the 2008 economic meltdown, or the nitwits who couldn't put OJ Simpson behind bars, or the dum dum golfer who screwed up his marriage and career by banging a few too many cocktail waitresses? Why not be a little more realistic?
Over-confidence. It's good to be confident, but these days everybody thinks they're going to conquer the world and beat everyone at everything and become a millionaire and yaps on and on about it. Why not a little humility and realism? Why not accept that most of us are going to lead sad and pointless little lives before dying of cancer? That should at least help us regain some perspective.
Punk. Despite protestations to the contrary from punk music fans, when even people in advertising agencies and law firms are into punk music these days, that means punk is in fact dead. Well dead.
Clinking glasses with every toast. Why do we have to maneuver around everybody's hands and arms to touch glasses and look in every person's eyes and smile every time we toast, as if we're freemasons or Georgian mafia or something? Why don't we just raise our glasses in the air, say cheers, and drink already?
People who cover their ears when ambulances pass. Oh I'm sorry, should they be a little more quiet on their way to saving people's lives? Would that be easier on your delicate little ear drums?
Birthday presents. Oh hey, here's something you don't need but which you're going to have to pretend to like anyway, and be grateful for, and have to reciprocate in the future! Isn't this fun? Happy birthday!
New Year's resolutions. Dear Me, I don't even really know why the new year begins on January first and not May first or April first or something, but I think it would be a good random point in time to change myself for the better, become healthier, be more responsible, and put an end to self-destructive habits... at least until December 31, which would be a good random point in time to get wasted and do a ton of blow.
