Left: When there are zombies, we're all going to be like this guy.
The living dead are our only hope for salvation. Here's why.
Ok, I know, you're thinking how could it be good for humanity that one morning we wake up to find hordes of semi-decomposed corpses roaming the streets trying to eat our entrails and suck our brains out of our skulls to satisfy some ungodly undead hunger for humans? But hear me out, because this could be a very good thing. We just have to think positive about this.
First up, our fat, privileged, insular, lazy, useless lives spent in offices doing bullshit, at school getting a ton of pointless education, at home on a couch watching stupid TV, sitting around masturbating to a trillion hours of porn on the internet, worrying about what we're going to do with our lives, or wondering if we can make our next mortgage payment, all of that shit will be over when the dead come crawling out of their graves to walk the earth. Suddenly our purpose in life will be clear: to not be killed by zombies. So whatever matching set of tea cloths you were learning to make from old curtains courtesy of Martha Stewart, or whatever money you were saving to buy a motorbike to add a little zest to your life, or whatever hairstyle you were hoping on going for at the salon to impress your spouse with, drop those plans. Once there are zombies, you have only one thing to do: ditch all the useless garbage you own, grab your weapons, shave your hair, and become a lean mean motherfucker who must now kill or be killed. We're all going to be Woody Harrelsons in cut-off jackets mowing ghouls down with M249s as we make cool sarcastic remarks and drive off in Hummers.
Just think of how much better zombies will make us have to be. Those who are unfit will have to really up their game at this point, because if you get woozy just running up and down stairs and can't even make it to the safety of the forests in time to escape the zombies, you're in deep shit. You need to be able to run fast and run far, or you're done. Of course, it also depends on the zombies. If you have "Night of the Living Dead" type zombies who just sort of moan a lot and stumble along with a vacant stare going right-foot left-foot right-foot left-foot at 1 km/h, you have a much better shot at survival. Then again, once those guys corner you in an abandoned barn and get a zombie huddle going, they're pretty deadly. But if you're talking about the modern kinds of zombies that can sprint after you snapping their teeth and frothing at the mouth, then you need to be fit as fuck or you don't stand a chance. Those modern zombies you see in films like "28 Days Later" or "I am Legend" are technically not zombies, they're people infected by a hideous virus or something, but they never seem to get better and have lost their humanity and want to eat other people, so to all intents and purposes we may as well consider them zombies.
Once we have become lean and fit and strong again, we will also all be totally freed of all modern illnesses and ailments. All our whining about postmodern alienation, and trying to find a healthy balance between doing something we're passionate about and earning money, dieting fads, exercising needs, validation anxiety, status envy, all our disorders and our depressions, all that dyslexia and ADD, it is all suddenly irrelevant. You have only one real problem now that the zombies are around: the zombies. You have to learn how to stay alive again. You have to learn how to come up trumps in a merciless fight for limited resources once society breaks down. In short, you have to become Mad Max. And guess who doesn't give a shit about dyslexic millennials on anti-depressants looking for validation in a postmodern world? Mad Max. In fact, if Mad Max ever had to deal with zombies on top of all those post-apocalyptic psycho road gangs that killed his wife and baby, he'd give even less of a shit. So congratulations, you just became Mad Max and are consequently much happier than when you were a bored slovenly semi-employed half-alive bill-paying automaton. Your life has regained a clear and clean purpose that it didn't have since third grade, which is probably the last time you actually wanted to be Mad Max. Enjoy needing muscles again!
So now that you've regained those hunter/killer instincts, now that you're sharp, lean, and agile, now that you can feel the adrenaline pumping through your body again, you now get to do what civilized society has deprived you of all your life, but which is so instinctively ingrained in you as to just need the slightest opportunity to come back out into the open: namely, your primal need to kill. And that's the beauty of having zombies around: they're already dead! So technically you're not really going to be killing anyone, you're just kind of re-deadening them. That means you get to go on a bloodthirsty slaughtering rampage without worrying about killing anything, and it's all for the undoubted good of all humans, regardless of race, creed, or nationality. Merry Christmas! Happy Birthday! You won the lottery! What could be better? There is no moral ambiguity about this. Ask a million people and a million people will say "Yes, I support the bloody wholesale massacre of zombies". Sarah Palin can't hunt moose without being labeled a dipshit, even if it's for food (she is a dipshit, but not so much because she hunts moose). A vegetarian catches you eating meat and you get a lecture. Okay, you can get away with a lot of slaughtering in many parts of the world, but it's never morally acceptable and you always have to come up with some kind of lie about how you are in fact the victim so you can justify the killing. Nation states are the only legal organized criminal entities that are allowed to conduct legitimate mass slaughter in the form of war justified by myths like "national interests", but then you have to shackle your identity to that of a state and let yourself become brainwashed with treacly ideals that put your particular state above all people and then be expected to go out and kill other people for the sake of those ideals while everyone waves silly flags and gives you dumb trinkets like medals and refers to you by stupid terms like "hero" or, if you die, "martyr", all of which is of course absurd. Besides, as soon as you consider what you're killing for, you realize "wait a minute, I'm killing other people!" That is not cool. But when there are zombies, nobody will give a shit anymore, because everyone will want to kill zombies instead of each other! Vegetarians, Republicans, Democrats, Americans, Indians, Chinese, Africans, street gangs, hari krishnas, the mafia, kindergarten teachers, gun-fetishist rednecks, the PTA, the NRA, everyone will join in on the zombie holocaust with much merriness and jollity! Killing will be legitimate again. Even Christians and Buddhists will have a hard time trying not to condone the killing of zombies. Muslims will finally find some kind of life form worse than Israelis or Americans: zombies! Skinheads will probably no longer think that dark people are their biggest enemy, because their biggest enemy will in fact be zombies. Seriously, the only chance we have of the Taliban and al Qaeda and Palestinians and America and Israel and White supremacists and everybody else in the world all working together against a common enemy is if that enemy is zombies... or a full-on planetary invasion by body-snatching aliens, but what are the chances of that ever happening, right?
So why do I assume society and civilization will break down? Come on, there are zombies running around! The dead rise out of their graves and populate the streets and fields. Hello? How could a civilized society function? What are you going to do, eat breakfast, get in your car, go to work, buy some groceries on the way home, watch TV, call it a night, put on your pajamas and go to bed, all the while hoping that hordes of man-eating zombies don't devour you and your loved ones somewhere along the way? Fuck that! More likely you're stocking up on canned food, whetting a hunting knife, sawing off the barrel of your shotgun and doing chin ups to Rammstein, generally feeling like a Fuck-Off One-Man God of Death Thunder Vengeance! Or Mad Max, whichever.
And once society's broken down, you get that other bonus of a world overrun by zombies: no more worrying about money! You now have to take food, and take shelter, and take fuel through sheer cunning, force, power and stealth, not by some bovine exchange of time and labor in return for tokens to acquire necessities with. Money's gone. And that means... abandoned supermarkets! Aisles and aisles of free food just laying around for you to walk right in and shove in bags and boxes that you can then throw in the back of the SUV you also just took off the street, and which will be your home/transport/safeplace/weapon for the rest of your struggle against the forces of undead evil. Yes, it's a looter's paradise, but once again, it's looting for a good cause. You can be excused for just taking shit without paying for it, because, well... zombies!
Anyway, to sum up, a future world with zombies would give us everything we ever dreamt of: we would be fit, lean, strong, cool (to kill and/or run away from zombies); we would all have a purpose in life that is unambiguously and universally recognized as being a just and righteous cause (fighting and killing zombies); we wouldn't have to worry about stupid shit anymore like money or depression or boredom (there's freakin' ZOMBIES running around!); we would once again be real, well-rounded humans the way we used to be, building shelter, hunting food, killing enemies, few if any possessions beyond that which is necessary for survival (Z-O-M-B-I-E-S); we would do away with nationality and racism once and for all (Gee, should I hate people who are different than me, or should I focus my hatred on, say, BRAIN-GUZZLING ZOMBIES?!).
But of course the best part is the sex. No more dates, no more presents, no more endless writing and talking and reading about what he likes and what she likes and wondering if we're good enough, hot enough, pretty enough, or attractive enough. In a world with zombies, where any day could be your last, and where the human race must survive, all that's left to do when man meets woman is to fuck. That's it. In a world overrun by zombies, a living man and a living woman are attractive to each other just by virtue of the fact that they have a pulse, end of story. The fact that they are standing there looking at each other is all the reason needed to bang. Case closed. Also, because of zombies, they have to stick together, care for each other, and commit to a future together otherwise they become easier prey for those undead hordes. That means male and female relationship-commitment becomes almost guaranteed. Thank you for that too zombies!
