My girlfriend bet me I couldn't write something good after 12 shots of Jim Beam, so this masterpiece is intended to wipe that smug face off her head - although, as you can tell by the title, she sort of wins. Anyway, it's called... drumroll (it's not called "drumroll", but imagine a drumroll going trrrrrrrr psss after "it's called", psss being the sound of the cymbal):
Kris Kristofferson is a Coffeestocrat from Kentucky!
So you may not know this, but Kris Kristofferson is a coffeeholic. In case you're wondering what that is, that's like an alcoholic but for coffee. Me, I'm like a coffeeholic but for both alcohol and coffee, which would make me an alcoholandcoffeeholic. See what I did there? I am a wordsmith. But this isn't about me, it's about Kris Kristofferson (I have Kris Kristofferson on copy/paste mode now so don't worry if I seem to be wasting a lot more time typing Kris Kristofferson than other words, because I can now punch out four Kris Kristofferson's in a row with just one finger on ctrl and the other tapping the v key four times, look: Kris Kristofferson Kris Kristofferson Kris Kristofferson v... I let go a little early there, it should've been v it should've been Kris Kristofferson). However, Kris Kristofferson's not just a coffeeholic, he's also a COFFEE ELITIST WITH ALL CAPS. That makes him a “coffeestocrat” (from coffee + st + ocrat). This means that Kris Kristofferson believes that those with good taste in coffee are superior to everybody else, including immigrants, the working classes, and foreigners, provided they don't drink good coffee. There, I said it. Actually, I'm not sure he believes that, and I don't even really know if Kris Kristofferson even drinks coffee, although bets are he does because it's a delicious hot beverage and he's American. But I picked Kris Kristofferson anyway because his name goes well with coffeestocracy what with all the hard c's and effy f's they share, so I chose this literary tome to be about him instead of, say, Leonard Cohen or Pamela Anderson. That's probably the first time those two names have been used in the same sentence by the way (it is, I just Googled it in that tiny space between the y and the left parenthesis). Also, the first time those two names and Kris Kristofferson's name have all been in the same paragraph is probably this paragraph (I'm not Googling that). Kris Kristofferson's name by the way, in case you were wondering, is "Kris Kristofferson".
What is a coffeestocrat? It's like being racist or classist, but for coffee, so it's like being hyperactively detached and talkatively aloof, while at the same time being urinarily haughty. For one, a coffeestocrat doesn't drink any of those cheap 2-in-1's or 3-in-1's that have way too little coffee and way too much creamy sugary chemically powder that looks like dishwater in a cup. They are SUPERIOR TO THat. (that‘s my girlfriend being funny with the shift key, but the joke’s on her because I probably would‘ve emphasized the SUPERIOR TOTH anywAY) So no instant coffee for blue blooded coffee royalty like Kris Kristofferson. And none of those cappulattechinos or chaisoylattecheatohs or chocolocococopocos either. Just good black coffee for Kris Kristofferson. After all, coffeestocrats like Kris Kristofferson are not just sophistocrats (that's a real made up word despite the squiggly red line I saw under it when this thing started off in a Word document), but also minimal sophistocrats, which makes them more like coffeesophistominimocrats. But hey, Kris Kristofferson wouldn't be averse to buying his super fancy coffee from a Starbucks or a Peet's or something either, even though they're chain stores and one of them uses armless child slaves in the third world to pick their coffee beans for them with their teeth (I'm not hinting which one, let's just say it rhymes with Starbucks). Would Kris Kristofferson prefer an independent ma and pa coffee store that uses homegrown water? Sure. Would he prefer to be a locacoffeevore who only drank locally grown coffee, thus giving us the opportunity to mix locavore and coffee into a catchy new newword, which could be an English neologism for neologism? You bet. Could newword lose one of those w's? I don't see why not. Neword sounds good, although now it sounds kind of directional, like "hey, let's go toward the new". Which I guess we all are always going toward, in an ontological sense... but for all Kris Kristofferson's coffeesophistominimacratnessityism, he is no snob. No sir. He's not a coffeesophistosnobistocrat. Because a true coffeestocrat is a democrat on the outside (hence his amenability to voting for Peets or Starbucks if they were to run for some kind of office on the over-hyphenated-coffee-with-armless-child-slaves ticket) but an aristocrat on the inside (which is why he drops his monocle metaphorically and exclaims inaudible harrumphs at the mere suggestion of Nescafe, which is Swiss for "Nescafe").
So let's hear it for Leonard Cohen or Pamela Anderson! (oh no, I last copied "Leonard Cohen or Pamela Anderson" to paste it in the Google bar, but what I meant was "Let's hear it for Kris Kristofferson!").
So Let's hear it for Kris Kristofferson!").
Speaking of Google, here's something interesting: if you replace one of the o's in Google with g, it spells Ggogle, which is an anagram for lgooeg. Words are fascinating!
Also, he's not from Kentucky. Why are you still reading this?
