Left: Deliberately undervalue your tax-paying peasants' goods to sell them for maximum profit on Tax FarmVille!
I recently found a list of disturbing Facebook applications that got axed before they ever made it on to the site. Here are twenty that were especially eye-catching:
1. Tax FarmVille
Bleed your peasants dry so you can collect enough funds to contribute to your despotic ruler's war chest! Flog your serfs when your crop withers, or join with other tax farmers to put down uprisings with the help of brutal mercenaries! Hours of entertainment!
2. My Drug Cabinet
Your own virtual drug cabinet that can only be populated by friends sending you drugs! Keep a careful balance between uppers and downers, and don't mix barbiturates, benzodiazepines and opiates, otherwise you could go into a virtual catatonic death spiral! Addictive!
3. Beer Goggles
Buy virtual beer goggles for your friends so they think you're semi-attractive! Add extra blurriness if you're pretty much unfuckable! You'll be surprised by the results!
4. Tophet Golf
In this new game by Zynga, you get to see how many Canaanite children you can club into the burning fire of Gehenna in the Valley of Hinnom as human sacrifice for Moloch! Wicked!
5. Unhappy Aquarium
Find out why your fish are floating belly-up in a filthy tank full of their own feces! Does the filter work? Have you overfed them? Who cares!
6. Which Lawn Bowling Celebrity Are You?
Do you have the determination of Liz McAllistair, the technique of Nor Iyani Azmi, or the sheer competitiveness of Kelsey Cottrell? Whose white jack can you curve a finger peg on? Download it!
7. Virtually Realistic Poker
This gives you the full experience of being a virtual gambler! Play Texas Hold'em with virtual money against other Facebook users, then when you lose all your virtual savings you can ask for virtual loans from your friends to support your virtual gambling problem, before telling them that you don't have a gambling problem and that they should back off because they don't know what it's like to lose everything and stand on the edge of a virtual precipice as you watch your life sink away into a giant black hole of misery and despair! Ante up!
8. Friend Onanizer
Sort photos of friends into groups according to which ones you like to whack off to the most! "Just a minute!!"
7. Daily Horoscope*
Pretend that random scientifically unsubstantiated causal relations between stellar constellations and overly generalized character traits mean something!
* This application seems somehow to have slipped through and made it onto Facebook.
8. Facebook Photoshop
Fabricate photos of you in places you've never been so you can fool your friends into thinking your life is way better than it really is! Over 400 backgrounds to choose from, including pyramids, temples, skyscrapers, lakes, mountains, the Moon, tigers and Daniel Day Lewis!
9. Betterness Ranking
Compare your photos, interests, education, places you've been and number of Google results for your name so you can rank your friends according to which of them you're better than and which of them are better than you! Rise up the rankings every time you get a new degree, visit a great place, or take up a cool pursuit! But be careful, because you can drop down the rankings too if you lose your job, get fat, turn 40, succumb to alcoholism, or fuck up yet another relationship because of unresolved emotional issues with your father! Oops!
10. Illiterate Me!
This application converts your English into netspeak gibberish that only 13 year-olds can understand! WTF r u w8ing 4?
11. Real Causes
Don't just say you support a cause and tack a lame name onto a list, send money instead! If you feel so strongly about something, then make a little donation, Mr. I Care Sooo Much. Go on, send some money, you insincere cheapskate. Or are you not really against AIDS?
12. What Human Genitalia Do You Most Resemble?
Take our quick quiz to see if you're a total dick, a complete asshole, a stupid nutsack, or a fucking cunt! Find out!
13. Profoundly Incomprehensible Status Update Generator
Now you can automatically post ambiguous status updates with no frames of reference for anyone but you! Make your friends have to ask you what you mean when your status update reads "finally!" or "that's just the way it goes" or "consciousness is a form of radioactivity"! Leave them in awe of the inscrutable depths of your creative and independent mind! Wow!
14. Least Popular
Find out which of your friends are the least popular so you can gang up on them with your other friends and make their lives a living hell! Get the Finger Pointer tool to point and laugh at the most pathetic of them all! Ha ha!
15. Remoticons
Use this application to emotionally distance yourself from your friends and demonstrate your indifference to all their lame posts! See that blank stare? That's me not giving a shit!
16. Death RanchVille
Buy specialized torture implements with the money you earn selling horsemeat you've passed off as beef at the local market, or receive extra points for mutilating a cow to get an erection! Turn off the "Conscience" function to increase psychopathic powers! Get it now!
17. Peppy Pal Lobotomizer
Find your peppiest perkiest pals and perform a virtual lobotomy on them that eliminates every third word in their posts and converts the terms "blessed", "wonderful" and "RIGHT ON!" into "deranged", "average" and "whoop-dee-fucking-doo" respectively!
18. Globalize Me!
Customize your account to make yourself look like an international citizen and a complete wanker! This app automatically adds photos of you doing yoga and riding a horse, signs you up to groups supporting whales and whoever's against Ahmadinejad, and even embeds background tunes onto your home page featuring mandolin music overlaid with African tribal chants! In your About Me section you will refer to yourself as a Global Nomad without even a hint of sarcasm! Go for it!
19. Cool Disorder Distorter
Click the cool disorder you would like to have and your posts will automatically be distorted to suit that disorder! You can choose from A.D.D., Dyslexia, Asperger's Syndrome and many other disorders that will imply that you're special, gifted, or a genius! It even comes with an automatic disclaimer at the end of every post that reads "(Sorry, I have [insert cool disorder here]!)" so you can seem like you're embarrassed about having the disorder, although apparently not embarrassed enough to prevent you from telling everyone on Facebook that you have it! Swete!
20. Get A Life
This application enables you to get a life by simply clicking the Logout button! No download required! Try it!
