Me Fetishism

If you can’t say anything bad about yourself then don’t say anything at all.

Our Turkish habit of self-flattery comes in three forms: aggressive self-flattery (self-aggrandising), defensive self-flattery (self-vindicating) and empathetic self-flattery (self-aggregating). Necessary accoutrements include hot air (in the lungs), metaphorical hot air (in the head), a predilection for verbosity, a talent for longwinded monologues, and a healthy dose of shameless vanity. Practitioners of self-flattery can be considered ‘Me Fetishists’, and will henceforth be referred to as MFs for brevity purposes.

The aggressively self-flattering MF usually has recourse to three clichés: the first is the ‘Ben var ya’ (‘The thing about Me is’). This usually comes at the beginning of a sentence and invariably means you’re about to be privileged with what Mr./Ms. Hotshit thinks about themselves. That’ll be followed at some point by the ‘Zaten beni bilirler’ (‘People know Me’, as in ‘’nuff said about Me’). The fact that the self-flatterer has to say that they need not say anything is an oxymoronic detail best glossed over. Another inanity is the ‘Hiç oralı olmam/Bunlara güler geçerim’ (‘That’s all beneath Me/I laugh at these’) which is used to convey an air of haughty otherness, as if what other people do or say doesn’t occupy the lofty thoughts of our MF, despite the fact that that which isn’t occupying their minds IS occupying their mouths seems to prove the vacuity of their words (a contradiction our MF will be well guarded against thanks to a blinding degree of amour propre).

Note that these MFs will take any opportunity to change the topic to themselves. For example, simple questions like ‘How are you?’ will often be met with an obnoxious ‘I’m GREAT!’ followed by a list of all the Amazing things Captain Amazing has been doing in their Amazing life since you last saw them, seemingly unaware that ‘How are you?’ is actually a rhetorical question to which the only acceptable answer is ‘Fine, and you?’, unless of course one happens to be lying facedown in a puddle of blood at the time.

The defensive self-flattering MF usually resorts to Me Fetishism as an evasive gambit used to offset some unsavoury question/allegation, such as ‘Did you see where my money went?’ or ‘You’re not over-quoting me on this bathroom installation are you?’, questions usually posed by those who think they’re being taken for suckers. The standard responses from these MFs will usually involve ‘arguments’ like ‘You can ask anyone who knows me, I’m never dishonest’ (usually you don’t know anyone who knows them), or ‘I have never stiffed anyone in my life, as God is my witness’, pleadings generally delivered with great pathos and conviction, but displaying one slight chink in the defensive armoury of their solipsistic reasoning: i.e. that they could be LYING.

The third type of self-flatterer – the empathetic self-aggregator – likes to flatter themselves by flattering you along with them. Their trick is to bring down your defences with some prolonged high praise. Then, when you’re feeling like you should almost be grateful to them for such kind words, they conveniently move themselves in there to share the limelight and aggregate themselves to all your recently extolled virtues. The empathetic self-flattering MF will use such trite as ‘Sen’le ben farkliyiz’ (‘You and I are different’) or ‘Ben de aslinda senin gibiyim’ (‘I’m actually just like you’), which you – still abashed with treacly compliments – can only politely nod your head and acquiesce to. Empathetic self-flattery is often applied by those who either want to ask you for money at some point or sleaze on your sister.

But the reason self-flatterers rub us the wrong way isn’t necessarily that they’re unhappy with themselves because they think nobody will say the things they’d like people to say about them, thus feeling the need to say it themselves. After all, nobody’s really everything they’d like to be, and often not even recognized for everything they are, so the competition we’re all in with each other to leave our own respective awesome imprints on the universe can be a lot of pressure, which makes many of us want to jump ahead and simulate a virtual awesomeness in lieu of an actual one – hence the self-flatterer. But the real reason self-flatterers are a joke is because they’re too dull-witted to see that the best self-flattery these days is actually self-abasement. Why? Because when you put yourself down you free everyone from the Social Competition Stress (SCS) which inevitably arises when two acquaintances meet and exchange So-what-have-you-been-doing?s. Everybody relaxes, and you are silently esteemed for showing that you’re above petty ego-mongering and can have a laugh about yourself instead of acting like an ambitious insecure recognition whore.

Of course, nobody’s under the illusion that the self-abaser is any less full of themselves than the self-flatterer. Sure, the self-abaser is at least getting rid of all that yucky SCS; but still, when you put yourself down you may as well be saying ‘I’m SO cool that I can criticise myself’, which is not cool either. So scrap the subheading. New law: Don’t say anything about yourself at all, unless asked.

Now that should speak volumes about you.