The cosmic cycle of smug

A New Age of Gnostic enlightenment and spiritual well-being is upon us. Here’s how to avoid it.

Religious extremism is on the rise, and Istanbul is no exception. In the last few years we’ve looked on grimly as moralising bigots have tried to ram their conceptions of metaphysical truth down our throats at every opportunity. You know of course who I’m talking about: New Age Gnostic Spiritualists – or NAGS. They’re everywhere – solariums, country clubs, yoga classes, improvisational dance workshops, high-end gyms, even the organic produce section of your local supermarket. So how do we avoid being smothered by their demented smugness?

First you have to spot the NAGS. Gimmicky accessories that look like too much thought and time has been put into them is a good start: dreadlocks, hair beads and esoteric or tribal tattoos are an instant giveaway, because unless a person is a teenager or a Jamaican, dreadlocks means ‘prat’, and unless a person is a hardened criminal, tattoos mean ‘wanker’, and thus anyone with either – or both – stands a good chance of being susceptible to NAGS-ness. Another good indication is facial expressions. Look out especially for a self-satisfied smirk and eye-squint that indicates a level of karmic knowledge only available to the illumined few who are in aural harmony with the universe and better than poor profane you. That’s the quintessential NAGS look. Another one is the pitying look of faux-sympathetic condescension that says ‘I’m so much wiser than you in my all-encompassing empathy’ when you tell them something candid or unflattering about yourself. Of course, the sure-fire way of picking out NAGS is to actually listen to what they say. This is risky, because it means you have to get into a conversation with a potential NAG, and nobody likes being subjected to Carlos Castaneda quotes and irenic pseudo-intellectual John Lennon-esque hippie babble interspersed with words like ‘chakra’ and ‘synchronicity’. So to avoid being violently jerked out of your comfortable state of blithe indifference to all things meaningful, try not to talk to them. Keep in mind that religious fanatics have no sense of humour, and will instantly bore the living mercy out of you.

I’m speaking from recent experience, because I happened to come across a NAG at a house party who had all of the above characteristics. Naturally my inebriated mind and blunted senses did nothing to warn me of the impending doom, so that other me – drunk me – decided to not only strike up a slur-spattered conversation, but went one step worse: drunk-me got into a philosophical argument with a NAG. This is not recommended, because you will not win. That’s because New Age Gnostic Spiritualism has a singular advantage shared by all metaphysical beliefs: their spurious truisms are impossible to disprove. Prove that the universe doesn’t reside in the belly of a giant unicorn? You can’t. Furthermore, speaking against ideas of universal love and eternal peace will just make you sound like a nazi jackass. So avoid this and just walk away before the ‘This-swami-changed-my-life’ proselytising and astrological bible-bashing begins.

So why do seemingly sane people opt to spend ridiculous amounts of money and intellectual real estate on glorified breathing and stretching exercises (a.k.a. yoga), books like ‘The Celestine Alchemist Who Drove a Ferrari into a Monk’, and country club workshops with celebrity gurus from California? Why not just turn to conventional religion? Two reasons: a) too many rules, and b) too communitarian. Rules are okay as long as you’re not threatened with hellfire all the time, and egalitarianism is great as an ideal, but not so great when you have to actually mix with the average religious hoi polloi. Thus syncretistic NAGS belief is instead customized to suit the needs of the individuated bourgeois citizen-subject by propounding an idealistic spiritual interconnection rather than a practical gregarious day-to-day one, so that NAGS can still keep within their insular and sterile little social circles, thereby avoiding contact with less glamorous riff-raff from inferior social strata. Then there’s the added convenience that NAGS belief is centred on the idea that material possessions and pecuniary interests are unimportant in comparison to having a rich ‘inner’ spiritual life. This is the perfect loophole for NAGS, because it means that if such things are unimportant, then possessing them is just as unimportant as not possessing them, and therefore nothing to be either proud of OR (and it’s a big OR) ashamed of, as long as they believe that the spiritual aspect of life is the most important thing of all (which they believe they do). That means they can go on enjoying their wealth and comfort with a clear conscience, regularly declaring that they would be just as happy without the two-storey townhouse, gym membership, SUV, summer dacha, etc., as they are with it, thereby attaining that blissful acme of bourgeois existence: Convenience (a.k.a ‘Enlightenment’ in NAGS terminology).

The obvious question then arises: how do we deal with these affected fanatics who accost us at cocktail parties and rub their illumined smarmy smiles spattered with pretentious quotes from Tibetan shamans into our unenlightened faces with a caustic air of moral superiority and Prozac-augmented happiness? Simple. Don’t try to fight them, because people who claim to be all about unity and harmony with the universe actually thrive on antagonistically differentiating themselves from sceptics who aren’t as deranged as them. So here’s what you do: tell them you just bought a really expensive car and got promoted at work, but that somehow you’re still not happy, following it up with a pensive sigh. Then just kick back, listen, and enjoy. I guarantee you’ll hear some of the funniest shit you’ve ever heard in your life.