Hangover heaven - top 20 things to do on a hangover in Istanbul

This is a great city to be hungover after a night of sloppy binge drinking, and here’s why…

You’re stupid. You go out – again. Get drunk – again. Say you’ll never get drunk again – again. And now you’re whining and crying, incapable of constructing a single coherent sentence beyond ‘my hed herts’. Well don’t panic, because we have some suggestions for riding out your hangover in Istanbul – even though you don’t deserve it, dumbass.

1. Order food from Yemeksepeti.com
Instead of pointlessly searching for wherever the hell your keys, wallet and IQ went the night before, why not just stay home and let food come to you? This website has everything delivered to your door, thus being perfectly catered to the lazy convenience whore you become when hungover. Just log on, register for free, pick what you want, and they’ll be at your door within 20 minutes. You’ll still have to find your wallet though.
www.yemeksepeti.com

2. Take a trip to Kadıköy
This is the best option. Walk down to Karaköy, catch a ferry to Kadıköy, walk through Kadıköy Pazarı drinking pickle juice, have lunch at Çiya Sofrası (0216-330 31 90, Güneşlibahçe Sokak. 43, in market), select cheap pirated DVDs at The End (Sokullu street, off Bahariye Avenue, opposite Aya Triada Greek Church), have a beer at Karga (0216-449 1726, Kadife Sokak 16, a.k.a. ‘Barlar sokağı’), and then hop back on the ferry to Karaköy at sunset. In fact, make this a monthly ritual.

3. Guzzle on a Big Mac
We all know that the best food in the world is McDonalds. The Big Mac is arguably the greatest invention of the twentieth century, followed closely by penicillin, the microchip, and Eric Cartman. Turkish McDonalds’ have the best Big Macs. If you live around Cihangir or Beyoğlu, order a happy meal delivery from Taksim. Phone 336 35 35.
McDonalds (0212-336 3535), Cumhuriyet caddesi 5, Taksim

4. Get drunk again
Forget aspirin, we all know that the best cure for a hangover is a few beers, and maybe even getting drunk again the next day. I’m no doctor or anything, but it’s probably really good for you too. What better place to do it than on Sofyalı street in Asmalımescit in the cosy, cheap and friendly Pasific? Yes, that’s how it’s spelt.
Pasific (0212-292 7642), Sofyalı Sokak 8-6, Asmalımescit-Beyoğlu

5. Eat a Taksim burger… or two
Admittedly this option is best before you’ve crashed, when you’ve still got your buzz on, slurring at strangers at 4am, trying to stumble home. However, those who get that craving for grease and a little garlic would do well to consider the famous Taksim burgers the next day as well. Traditionally, the best are at Kızılkayalar.
Kızılkayalar, Taksim (corner of Istiklal and Sıraselviler Avenue)

6. Explore the Fish Market
If you’re one of those people who can deal with the sensory overload of people, sounds and pungent smells on a hangover, then the fish market in the heart of Beyoğlu is a great option. Check out the delis, butchers, pickle shops, fishmongers, meyhanes, and of course the delicacy that is kokoreç. Golden, Şampiyon and Mercan make the best.
Balık Pazarı, off Istiklal Caddesi, Galatasaray-Beyoğlu.

7. Surf the Internet
Naturally, when hungover, you’d rather have the world come to you than vice versa. Be informed with BBC, entertained by The Onion, connected through Gmail, desensitised by babesinbikinis.com, and download music on Limewire. A cable connection is all you need. A limitless 256 kbps ADSL connection costs 139 YTL a month (plus 60 YTL installation fee) at your nearest Turk Telekom.

8. Movie-surf at AFM Fitaş
Movie-surfing can only be achieved in multiplex cinemas, where you can go from movie to movie and see maybe three in a row, all as you gorge on popcorn and soda, safe in the cosy comfort of darkness and anonymity, protected from the big bad world outside. No brain twisters at AFM Fitaş either – just pure Hollywood schlock. Perfect.
AFM Fitaş (0212-251 2020), Istiklal Caddesi 24-26, Beyoğlu.

9. Go on a book hunt
A good way to get over hangover guilt is to immerse yourself in a bookstore where, ensconced in great literature, you feel cleansed of the shame of having treated your body like a compost processor for the past 12 hours. Finger through Robinson Crusoe’s (0212-293 6968, Istiklal Avenue 389), take a seat and read downstairs or out back at Homer (0212-249 5902, Yeni Carşı Avenue 28/A, Galatasaray, off Istiklal), or go second-hand book hunting in Aslıhan Pasajı (off the Fish Market), all in Beyoğlu.

10. Peruse some modern art
When brain-dead on a hangover, there’s nothing like visual stimulation. What better place than Istanbul Modern? The view and location is breathtaking, the building itself is a treat, and the art’s ok too. Works from the Venice Bienale were recently exhibited. Don’t forget to have a coffee or lunch at Loft afterwards.
Istanbul Modern Art Museum (0212-334 7300), Meclis-i Mebusan Caddesi, Liman Işletmeleri Sahası, Antrepo 4, Karaköy.

11. Have brunch at House Café
Some people hanker for bacon when they’re hungover. The House Café in Tünel has Eggs Benedict with real good bacon, and you can order an extra portion of bacon on the side. Welcome to hog heaven. All the other food is great too, and so is the location. Grab a newspaper, spread out, and eat and read all afternoon, you fat pig.
The House Café (0212-245 9515), Sümbül Sokak 9/1-2, Tünel-Asmalımescit.

12. Enjoy tea and simit in Ortaköy
This is best done with a significant other who shares your hangover. Sit on one of the waterfront benches with a view of the bridge, the baroque Ortaköy mosque and the Bosphorus, feed the pigeons and let life just roll on by around you. A simitçi is usually right there, and just get a tea to go from one of the cafes in Ortaköy square.

13. Drive to Belgrade Forest
The perfect day trip if you’re into stuff like nature and trees and fresh air. Take the TEM highway to Kemerburgaz, have a walk, a bike ride, a barbeque, a picnic, or a jog. Good place to rid yourself of those poisonous toxins you mistook for happiness from the night before.

14. Find a friend with a terrace
Everyone should have a friend more fortunate than them, someone with a car and a terrace and a house twice the size of yours that you can party in and mess up without having to clean up the next day. And when you’re on the hangover, what better than a nice big view and a fresh breeze, sharing a brew… or two?
[Insert name and address of friend with terrace here]

16. Veg out at home
Let’s face it, this is the one we all end up doing 99 percent of the time. We wake up, stumble over a few cans of half-full beer (I’m an optimist), get dizzy, fall on the couch, and wish there was a waiter in the house, or a nurse to look after us. You watch CSI, eat anything that fits between two slices of stale bread, and miss your mommy.
[Insert your name and address here]

17. Be visceral
Some hanker pork, some hanker bacon, some hanker burgers (see above). But then there are the true hangover connoisseurs who know that there’s really only one food that satisfies your craving for an artery-hardening, vein-clogging, aorta-popping cholesterol overload: liver. At Canım Ciğerim you get a big spread with assorted veggies and pig-out on skewered liver, all for 10 YTL. They also have beef and chicken for wimps.
Canım Ciğerim (0212-252 6060), Minare Sokak 1, corner of Asmalımescit street, Asmalımescit-Beyoğlu.

18. Join a health spa or a gym
We don’t usually condone going to the gym. Loud music, fluorescent Lycra-clad aerobics instructors, musclehead beefcakes – not to mention the fungal jungle they call a bathroom – are all a little too much for the hungover moron. But if your hangover is relatively forgiving, then become a member of a gym. The high end is Planet Health Club in Kuruçeşme, the low end is Flash gym in Beyoğlu (100 YTL a month) – whatever suits your budget. Maybe you can cash in those beer bottles sitting on your kitchen counter.
Planet Health Club (0212-257 2636), Muallim Naci Cad. 170, Kuruçeşme.
Flash Gym (0212-249 5347), Istiklal Caddesi Aznavur Pasajı 4, Beyoğlu.

19. Maraud in a mall
Hangovers are great for vanity spending as you try to perk up your ego with some guilt-driven shopping and food-court bingeing… all of which is expensive. So what better way to prevent that than going to a shopping mall where you can’t afford anything anyway? Incipit Kanyon! Gorge yourself on the architecture and luxury boutiques of this paragon of modern design, gawking at all the pretty shiny things you wish you could buy. Don’t take off your sunglasses. And don’t step in the pool either, you buffoon.
Kanyon, Levent

20. Order a Hangover Waiter
Sometimes when you’re hungover you get brilliantly stupid ideas. For example, how about a ‘Hangover Waiter’ service? You can call them up the night before, anticipating your soon-to-be sorry state, and a Hangover Waiter shows up next morning to take care of you all day! They could also have an emergency service for a little extra fee, in case you went out the night before thinking you’d just have ‘one or two drinks’.
Just dial 444-DON’T-YOU-WISH-IT-WERE-THAT-EASY