It’s a jungle out there. Istanbul wildlife (and feral-life) is diverse, ranging from scorpions to cats, from leeches to donkeys, with pretty much everything in between. So whatever your favorite phylum or most frightening phobia, here’s a list of the beasts you’re likely to encounter without even visiting the zoo... which is just as well, because we don't actually have a zoo. 1. Leeches – No, we’re not talking about carpet salesmen but those adorable little animals they sell in jars around Eminönü and which are thought to have medicinal effects for various ailments – a belief dating back to the enlightened Middle Ages. If you’d rather NOT have a black worm-like creature crawling on your skin, sinking their little teeth in and sucking the blood out of your body, then you could also just take some aspirin, but where’s the fun in that?
2. Spiders – Relax, this isn’t Australia or anything, but there have recently been sensational reports in every major Turkish newspaper of KILLER African spiders of the species tegeneria parietina! A cursory search on the Internet reveals that this type of spider IS in fact a ferocious killer… if you happen to be a fly. Here’s what the British Arachnological Society says: “Tegeneria species very rarely bite and if they do it is painless.” There was also a report that another DEADLY species has also been found called Segestria Florentina, or the tube web spider. Here’s what the BBC writes about those: “Tube web spiders are known to have a bite that feels like a bee sting, although it has no lasting effects.” Once again, Turkish journalism comes through with lying colors (excuse all typos).
3. Dolphins – These lovable cetaceans have had a precarious existence around the Marmara Sea ever since they were massacred for oil in the 1970s (read Yashar Kemal’s The Sea-Crossed Fisherman), ironically at the same time that Flipper was the most popular kids show on Turkish TV. But they have since made a comeback, and on a still, early morning, before all the sea traffic picks up, you’ll often see pods of them bobbing up and down along the Bosphorus, deftly avoiding giant murderous propeller blades from passing Russian oil tankers. Also, they're probably porpoises.
4. Cats – Few people know that Istanbul is actually owned and run by cats, who have tolerance for all the other species, and even made one (humans) their servile minions who are required to obsequy to their every need: i.e. seeing to their medical expenses, preparing their food (either in bowls or as garbage out on the streets), taking care of the heating and upkeep of their homes and/or providing warm bedding in the form of hot car hoods.
5. Dogs – Unfortunately dogs have in turn been enslaved by humans and subjected to the cruelty of breeding and petting, but there are also the lucky ones without collars that roam the streets in packs, having adventures and eating whatever they want. The rest are locked up in carpeted homes, walked in designated areas on the ends of leashes, subjected to canned food and coiffeurs, and taunted with humiliating epithets like “Shnuggums.” Humans mistake their dogs’ tail-wagging for happiness, but some of us suspect it actually means “Please kill me.”
6. Cockroaches – Ok, any species that’s 250 million years old is officially indestructible and deserves our respect. These tough guys will be around way after our species has sucked the life out of the Earth and turned it into a giant planetary garbage dump. In fact they’ll thrive on our folly. They’ll evolve into a master species, creating empires of giant mutant insect warriors that will rule the world... so keep a cat in the house, they love catching these crunchy little bastards.
7. Sheep – You’ll mainly see sheep all herded together for the yearly ovine holocaust that is the sacrificial religious festival (“Kurban Bayramı” in Turkish, or "Eid al Adha" in Arabic). They used to be slaughtered out in the streets, making for comic scenes where you’d see an escaped sheep trot by as an angry man with a big knife chased after it, like it was straight out of an Emir Kusturica film or something. They’re now mercifully butchered in designated areas so we don’t have to see terrified mammals with the fear of death in their eyes as they await inevitable slaughter, which is nice.
8. Pill Bugs – Also known as woodlice, pill bugs are those tiny gray critters you find in damp places – usually the bathroom – and get their name from the fact that they roll up into a ball when they sense danger. In fact they’re not insects but crustaceans, related to lobsters and crabs. The best part is that they eat their own feces and never urinate. If only all house guests were so considerate. Their main threats are insects, spiders, and three-year-olds who like to flick them around with their chubby little fingers.
9. Camels – Camels make for a very worthy religious sacrifice on special occasions, are always a good tourist draw for rides and photo-ops, and look great with a fez. Plus they’re tasty meat. The reason you don’t see more of them being sacrificed is because they’re also very expensive, and contrary to common opinion on the part of most foreigners, there aren't that many camels in Turkey; they're more of an Arabian thing.
10. Pigeons – Also affectionately referred to as flying rats, pigeons serve a useful function in cleaning the city streets of scraps and replacing it with bird shit. Next time you’re in Taksim, buy some birdfeed from one of the old ladies and sit down for a bit to feed the pigeons. You’ll be helping out the old ladies, but you’ll also be surprised how relaxing it is to just sit on a bench and feed pigeons. It’s like looking at a fishpond or a fireplace; you start seeing patterns in random movements as the world rushes by in a mesmerizing trance. I assume so anyway. I've mostly encountered them eating out of a pool of someone's vomit in Taksim square on my way home after a big night.
11. Mosquitos – Not the cutest little animal around, but they are definitely the most satisfying animal to kill EVER. There’s nothing like a full-swing splat of the newspaper with a red streaking blotch of blood left in its wake on the bedroom wall. But you can always just get some repellent at your nearest store, use sleeping pills, or keep a fan on your face at night to at least avoid the dreaded vzzz factor. On a positive note, we don't have any malaria!
12. Horses – Never mind those poor mangy inner-city cart-drawing beasts that Nietzsche would’ve wept over; if you really like the whole clip-clop thing and can tolerate a horse-fart in your face every now and again, go to the Princes' Islands where horses roam free… shackled under the whip of a carriage driver, of course.
13. Scorpions – These perfect little killing machines inhabit dank basements and construction sites and have been known to pop out from under people's pillows now and again. These diminutive beasts are such hard-asses that their favorite food is other scorpions, so if you ever find two of them, put them in a jar and enjoy a truly Roman spectacle.
14. Cows – Hera once turned Io into a cow and chased her across the Bosphorus, presumably right before telling Zeus he would be sleeping on the couch. But myths aside, cows are today a more macabre presence in the city, i.e. they’re mainly encountered chopped up and dangling from meat hooks at butchers or with their viscera on display in liver stores (ciğerci). Cow’s brain is a delicacy, so here’s an easy recipe: boil brain for 15 minutes and serve whole on bed of lettuce with lemon, garlic, olive oil and black pepper. I apologize for what you just had to read if you happen to be a vegetarian (or a cow, but good job reading!).
15. Donkeys – Although donkeys are the preferred form of transport for many of our city's Romany (who are known colloquially as "Apaches"), you’ll mostly see donkeys drawing carts full of produce in out-of-the-way neighborhoods and just waiting to kick the shit out of you if you get too close. Try pulling a cart your own weight for 10 hours a day and you’ll know why they’re so irritable. Apparently hundreds of people are killed by donkeys every year, so just stay away from them. On a side note, my grandfather's eyesight was so bad that he apparently once took his hat off and greeted one before my grandmother nudged him and told him he just said good evening to a donkey. Anyway, moving on...
16. Cranes – Enjoy a priceless moment with a cold beer and a panoramic view from a terrace as the sun sets over the majestic Golden Horn and you watch the graceful white cranes flying circles around hot air thermals above you. At least I think those are cranes.
17. Jellyfish – Anyone who’s peered over a bridge will have seen thousands of these little aliens, some of them the size of watermelons. I can’t think of anything else to say about them. Seriously though, I once saw one as big as a watermelon.
18. Seagulls – There are few sounds more disturbing than that of seagulls mating. Every spring you’ll be awoken by these screeching airborne rodents as they try to hump anything with a beak and webbed feet. They make for good tourist photo-ops on ferries though, circling around you as you take in a panoramic view with mosques, palaces and water all around, if you like that sort of stuff.
19. Fish – Istanbul’s favorite animal, especially when on a plate. Fish is the staple of every refined Istanbullu’s diet. Just walking along the shore or across a bridge, you’ll see hundreds of people with fishing rods in hand. Best served with lemon and eaten alongside rakı, mezes and arugula salad, fish restaurants (balıkçı) and tavernas (meyhane) are everywhere. For the former, try Kumkapı, for the latter, Beyoğlu-Asmalımescit. Good lord, writing about fish is boring.
20. Humans – This is by far the worst-adapted animal to Istanbul, or any city for that matter. Even they realize they’re no good, which explains why they complain about each other incessantly. They are closely related to chimpanzees and are thus a volatile lot – at times excessively loving, and at times extremely violent. The rest of the time they mostly eat and sleep. Although a diurnal species, many have developed nocturnal habits which they cater to by congregating in small dark spaces in excessive numbers where they proceed to sweat and rub against each other as they mesmerize themselves with flashing lights and repetitive sounds while performing clumsy mating rituals that involve jumping and shaking movements of varied coordination and also “small talk” – a uniquely human trait that is roughly the equivalent of butt-sniffing for other animals. Be wary: Tens of thousands of animals die from human attacks every year – many of those victims being humans themselves. When approaching one it’s best to smile, extend your right arm, and hold out an open palm, thereby showing that you bear no weapon. They mostly fear loneliness and death, so if one of them annoys you tell them to fuck off and go to hell.
