Of all the Gods we could have had, I always thought we were lucky that we didn’t have a commentating God that would just kind of hover over us commentating on everything we did. Some people believe in an interventionist God, one who has a big invisible godly hand in day-to-day things and who supposedly thinks “I’ll help this guy's football team win” or “MUDSLIDE!” Other people believe God is non-interventionist, just kind of sitting back, chilling out, waiting for the right moment to reward or (more likely) punish you. Some believe there’s a creator God who created everything (except himself, presumably, but let's not get into that!); others that there’s a theist and monist God who is everything and always has been. There’s a Judeo-Christian-Islamic God with laws and rules and books and prophets, and there’s a deist variety of God who’s more kind of just indiscreetly there somewhere, kind of aloof from the whole thing, lounging on a big godly couch. But despite having all those kinds of Gods, I really think it’s wonderful that, of all the Gods we could’ve had, we didn’t have a commentating God, at least not since the time of the Greeks, when Ares and Athena would get all bitchy with each other as they played finger puppets with Hector and Achilles. I mean, God could’ve picked that path for himself, right? He may have thought “Instead of sending books and prophets that are full of contradictions like ‘Circumcise! Don’t circumcise! Circumcise!’, why don’t I just give live real-time comments on everything everyone does?” And he might have had a point, since all those prophets and books haven’t done anything except make the world a more fractious and violent place. But can you imagine how much worse it would‘ve been if we'd had a commentating God? Here are some terrible scenarios that come to mind:
1. He would probably be unbearably sarcastic all the time
Could you imagine the amount of sarcasm we would all get from a perfect being who’s constantly commentating on everything humans do? He’d always be saying stuff like “Wow, nice job ironing that shirt, were you raised by monkeys?” or “Gee let‘s see if your shoddy construction materials can withstand my earthquake… uh-oh, I guess not” or “Cool gambling problem you have there, Robert, hope you’re looking forward to an eternity of hellfire?” or “Hm, last time I checked, I said adultery was a sin… although technically I didn’t say anything specific about NOT getting tied up, whipped, and fisted by a dominatrix at a roadside motel, so carry on Steve, by all means…”. Plus he’d be commentating out loud so everybody around could hear him. It would be so embarrassing.
2. Or alternatively, he would be annoyingly helpful
God: “Hey there Brad, maybe you should water the lawn in the mornings and evenings when there isn’t such direct sunlight so you don’t scorch the grass… hmm, that’s not the best way to roll up the hose, try wrapping it around your hand and elbow… yeah, there you go… hey, the pasta water’s boiling, wanna tell Sheryl? She’s in the backyard putting up the laundry… ooh, the baby’s about to wake up. I suggest you throw the pasta in the pot and give it a quick stir so it doesn’t stick, maybe pour in a little olive oil, then go check the baby… up to you, I’m just saying, I can see everything from here… you know, omniscience and all… also you might want to unplug the juicer, better safe than…”
You: “Okay God, geez”
God: “Hey, I'm just trying to help”
3. God would spoil all your relationships because he’d keep commenting on what happens in the future
You: “I have a date today! She’s amazing, we met at Dave’s party, apparently she’s into Tae-Bo and…”
God: “Forget it.”
You: “What?”
God: “She’s too good for you. It’ll seem like it’s working out at first but then she dumps you in three weeks.”
You: “What? Oh, man. I was really looking forward to that date.”
God: “I don’t blame you, she’s hot, she’s smart, she’s cool… but that’s also kind of why she dumps you. You see the irony there?”
You: “Yeah”
God: “You want to be with her because of those qualities, but it’s those very same qualities that make her impossible for you to get”
You: “Yes okay, I got it, thank you. Would I end up having sex with her at least?”
God: “Um, yes. But trust me, you don’t want to. You get all excited and... well, you know... the girl says it’s ‘okay’, but of course it’s not… you know how you are”
You: “Okay okay, wow, you‘re really laying it thick today. Geez. Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”
God: “I think you’re confusing me with a fairy godmother. Technically, I’m a commentating God, so I really just offer commentary”
You: “Hey what about her?”
God: “Shyeah, right!”
You: “Why?”
God: “Seriously? You want me to tell you how that works out? Please, make my day, I’d love to see the expression on your face”
You: “Okay, you don’t have to be a dick about it”
God: “What did you call me?”
You: “Nothing. What about Caroline? The one from…”
God: “Yes, I know Caroline. I was the one who shouted HIGH FIVE! when you two made out at her mom’s place, remember?”
You: “Yeah thanks again for that, that went down real well”
God: “Hey come on, I was excited for you. Anyway, look, I have good news for you. You and Caroline fall in love, have three beautiful children, and live happily together”
You: “Wow, really?”
God: “Yes”
You: “You’re not fucking with me?“
God: “Nope”
You: “Because this sounds like another one of your sarcastic set-ups where you go NO, SHE DUMPS YOU!”
God: “It’s not, trust me.”
You: “Great, well then I’ll call her now”
God: “But…”
You: “I knew it. What?”
God: “She dies of cancer on October 6, 2041.”
You: “Of course she does. Why would you tell me that? And why would you tell me the specific date? You’re such a…”
God: “Don’t say it”
You: “Okay, but can’t you see that was a dick move?”
God: “Yeah well, she suffers for years, you eat up your savings, and she dies. Painfully.”
You: “Awesome, thanks.”
God: “Wait, that’s not it”
You: “Oh good”
God: “You live another thirteen lonely years after she dies and then you die of pneumonia.”
You: “Super. Is that it?”
God: “Yes. That’s the worst of it anyway”
You: “Oookay, so I guess I won’t be calling Caroline after all”
God: “Well, she’s still your best bet.”
You: “What about that girl there? She’s cute”
God: “Herpes”
You: “God, you are no fun”
4. Forget about watching sports with your favorite sports commentators
John McEnroe: “That was a great crosscourt forehand, Tony, I think Djokovic is looking really…”
God: “Excuse me, excuse me, John and Tony, sorry to butt in again, but don’t you think he should’ve gone down the line on that and wrong footed Murray? I seem to think so.”
John McEnroe: “Yeah well, he could’ve I guess but…”
God: “Yes he could’ve, he definitely could’ve.”
John McEnroe: “But with all due respect, he still won the point pretty convincingly”
God: “Ummm… who’s God? You? Are you God, John?”
John McEnroe: “No, of course not. I‘m just saying…I think my opinion as a former world number one counts”
God: “Oh by all means! By all means, John, I’m not taking that away from you, I’ll give you that. It’s just that you were world number one in tennis, John, whereas I’m world number one in EVERYTHING. I’m world number one in the WORLD. I’m world number one in the UNIVERSE. Do you catch my drift?”
John McEnroe: “!#*%$#$”
God: “Sounds like somebody still has anger issues”
5. You couldn’t watch a movie without God spoiling it for you all the time.
God: “What did you pick? Oh that’s a good one, definitely watch that one, it has an amazing twist at the end”
You: “Okay I‘m going to. Look, God, I appreciate the help picking out a movie, but just don’t talk through the whole thing this time, okay? And stop saying what‘s about to happen”
God: “Um, well, technically I’m a commentating God, so I can’t make any big promises… oh, shhhhh, look, you’re going to want to see the beginning of this”
You: “Alright, see, you’ve already started”
God: “Just pause it first, pause it or you’ll miss it. Look, did you see that? Did you see what he just did? That‘s going to be important later”
You: “No, I didn’t see it, because I was busy telling you not to interrupt. Do you see my point?”
God: “Okay, you know what, just fast forward to 36:40, there’s an amazing car chase”
You: “First of all, you don't ‘fast forward’ anymore, we’re not watching a Betamax video. You skip…”
God: “Okay smarty pants, that’s what I meant, skip to 36:40... Man, you’re pretty lippy for someone talking to the supreme creator of the universe, you know that?”
You: “Yeah well you’ve ruined films for me. And you don’t have to bring out the ‘I’m God’ card every time we have an argument. We get it, you’re God”
God: “Well sometimes I feel like I have to remind peoOH THIS A GREAT SCENE, YOU TOTALLY SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BREASTS!”
You: “You're God, couldn't you do that any time you want anyway?”
God: “Well, yes, I suppose I can. But it’s different when it comes up in a movie, I don't know why… oh great you missed it, mister lippy. There was nipple and everything. Just skip back”
You: “AAAAGH!”
6. He’d be the worst backseat driver ever
God: “I told you to take that left on Edmunson, now you’re going southwest toward the I-50, and that’s going to take you to..”
You: “PLEASE! I’m driving here, my wife has the map, we’re doing the best we can”
Wife: “He’s right though, I don’t know why you don’t listen to him”
God: “Thank you Linda. See? She’s smart”
You: “Oh now you too, Linda? You’re ganging up on me? It’s like I have two wives in the car, great”
Wife: “I just don’t know why you’re too proud to ask for directions, especially when God is giving them”
God: “I know, right? I was just about to say that. Typical men”
Wife: “Don’t get all cocky, you're the one who made them like that”
God: “Um, yeah I guess I did”
You: “Yeah, so it’s not my fault, it’s yours”
God: “Oh great, now you’re both ganging up on me? I’m…”
Man and Wife together: “you’re God, yes we know”
God: “Pfff, that’s not what I was going to say”
Man: “Oh really? What were you going to say?”
God: [silence]
Man: “That’s what I thought”
God: “Oh bite me, seriously, you have a deity to help you out and you prefer to... LOOK OUT, POTHOLE! Why are you going so fast? Wait, do you have enough gas?”
Man: “I don't, actually. Would you mind doing a little God magic and putting some in the tank, I promise next time I‘ll…”
God: “Let me guess, you’ll promise to listen to me next time I tell you to pull into a gas station because it‘s the last one for the next hundred miles? Yes well, too late for that. Besides, I’m a commentating God, not a gas station attendant God”
Man: “You are so annoying”
God: “You are. Turn left, TURN LEFT!”
7. Sir David Attenborough wouldn’t be able to get a word in edgewise
Attenborough: “Here, in the Patagonian plains, one bird has prospered above all: the Yellow-Tailed Austral Thrush, which is…”
God: “A-DOR-A-BLE! Am I right?”
Attenborough: “Ahem. As I was saying, the Yellow-Tailed Austral Thrush…”
God [in a sarcastic Attenborough tone]: “the Yellow-Tailed Austral Thrush nyah nyah nyah, look at me I‘m Sir David Attenborough, I know everything about animals myeh myeh myeh I think I‘m God”
Attenborough: “Okay cut. We’ll just wait until…”
God: “Until what? God leaves? Where am I going to go? There? Oh wait I’m already there! I’m everywhere”
Attenborough: “…..”
God: “I am omnipresent, beeyatch. Sorry, okay, go on, I was just kidding around. Seriously, go ahead, I’m not going to interrupt you Sir David. Proceed.”
Attenborough: “Okay, thank you. As I was saying, the Yellow Tailed Austral Thrush has prospered above all others…”
God: “AND HIS GREATEST PREDATOR IS MAN!”
Attenborough: [silence]
God: [silence]
Attenborough: [more silence]
God: “That’s what you were going to say right?”
Attenborough: “Well…”
God: “You were, weren’t you? You always say that.”
Attenborough: “Yes well, eventually I suppose I was.”
God: “Yup.”
Attenborough: “Do you have nowhere else to be right now?”
God: “I'm everywhere at once, obviously”
Attenborough: “Great”
8. Evolutionists would have much tougher debates
Richard Dawkins: “The fossil and DNA evidence suggests that genetic mutation through natural selection has been the driving biological factor behind the evolution of species in their constant need to adapt to various ecosyst…”
God: “ZAP!”
Dawkins: “Excuse me?”
God: “I said ZAP!”
Dawkins: “I don’t… I don’t understand”
God: “That’s how I did it. I went ZAP!”
Dawkins: “What do you mean you went zap?”
God: “I mean none of that fossil DNA natural selection mutation bullshit is real, it’s all just made up”
Dawkins: “So then how do you explain the origin of species?”
God: “I just told you. I went ZAP, and there it was, a giraffe.”
Dawkins: “A giraffe?”
God: “Or whatever. A hippo, a leopard, a dung beetle, your mom. ZAP!”
Dawkins: “You actually say ‘zap’ when you do that?”
God: “Well, not necessarily. Sometimes I do. Or sometimes I just go BLAM!”
Dawkins: “Mmhm. I see.”
God: “Or KABLOOIEE!! I did that with dragons”
Dawkins: “There were dragons?”
God: “Don’t be silly, I was just messing with you. But yes, sometimes I say kablooie… or SHAZZAMAZOOO! Then I do this really cool thing where I furrow my brows and shoot lightning out of my fingertips as my voice thunders across the sky going LET THERE BE LADYBUGS!!!”
Dawkins: “I can’t continue this infantile debate”
God: “You’re infantile, with all your scientific gobbledygook”
Dawkins: “Look, the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of…”
God: “ME going ZAP! That‘s what the evidence is in favor of”
Dawkins: “That’s it, I’m done, this debate is over”
God: “Okay, wait, let’s talk about your book then, The Selfish Gene”
Dawkins: “Really? You're not just being sarcastic?”
God: “No sir, I would seriously like to talk about The Selfish Gene.”
Dawkins: “I feel like I'm going to regret this, but okay then, go ahead”
God: “I think it seems a pretty big generalization to say Genes are selfish”
Dawkins: “Yes well, let me explain...”
God: “I mean, is Gene Hackman selfish?”
Dawkins: “Okay, there it is. I should've seen that coming”
God: “Or what about Gene Wilder, was he selfish?”
Dawkins: “Ugh, I’m out of here”
God: “Wait, Richard, one last thing… your friend Christopher Hitchens says hi!”
Dawkins: “What?”
God: “Yeah, says he was wrong about the whole atheism thing.”
Dawkins: “You don't say”
God: “He says hell sucks big time”
Dawkins: “Okay that’s enough”
God: “Says he wished he’d prayed to me more often, so”
Dawkins: “Oh fuck you”
God: “Ha! You wish!”
9. Religious people would get sick of God commentating during their sermons and lose faith in their religion
Priest: “Our Father which art in heaven”
God: “That’s me”
Priest: “Hallowed be thy name”
God: “Damn right”
Priest: “Thy kingdom come”
God: “Sure will”
Priest: “Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven”
God: “Zap! Kablooie! Abracadabra! Make it so!”
Priest: “Give us this day our daily bread”
God: “You got it”
Priest: “And forgive us our trespasses”
God: “Well, we’ll see about that, I mean what if you’re a serial killer?”
Priest: “As we forgive those who trespass against us”
God: “Except maybe serial killers... or pedophiles, what about them?”
Priest: “And…uh… lead us not into temptation”
God: “Sorry, am I distracting you?”
Priest: “It’s fine… where was I? Oh yes… but deliver us from evil”
God: “Amen!”
Priest: “Not yet… For thine is the kingdom”
God: “Mine, thine, ourth, theirth”
Priest: “[Sigh]… and the power, and the glory”
God: “Fuck yes”
Priest: “Forever and ever”
God: “I’d like one more ‘ever’ added to that line”
Priest: “Amen”
God: “Okay there it is… Amen!”
Priest: “Would you PLEASE just shut up!?”
God: “Whoa… are you talking to me?”
Priest: “Yes! You don’t need to comment on everything, just be quiet and let us worship you in peace, just once, how about that?”
God: “Just take it easy, you’re having a priest tantrum”
Priest: “Guess why? Guess why I’m having a priest tantrum? Because you won‘t stop talking and commenting on every little fucking thing”
God: “Watch your language, you’re in a house of me”
Priest: “I don’t care anymore, you are UNBEARABLE. Look at these poor worshipers! They’re stunned and frightened. This should be a place of solace and peace. There is HORROR on their faces”
God: “Well maybe if you didn’t flip out in front of everyone”
Priest: “Maybe I wouldn’t flip out if you didn’t talk all through my sermon, which, by the way, we’re all doing for YOU, and you just fucking talk right through it”
God: “Okay okay, geez, just tell me to hush down next time”
Priest: “But that’s just it, I DO, I do tell you to hush down every time, every fucking time”
God: “Oh great, people are leaving. People are leaving the church. That’s just what I need, more people leaving the church”
Priest: “It’s your fault, you’re SO annoying”
God: “Well then why are you dedicating your life to me? Why don't you dedicate yourself to lawn bowling or crocheting or something?”
Priest: “I should've. I can't believe I gave up sex for you”
God: “Oh right, I guess jerking off to the thought of choir boys doesn't count as sex”
Priest: “Hey, that's uncalled for”
God: “I see everything”
10. Sex would be really awkward
God: “Yeaaaah… mmhmm… like that, oooh yeah… nice”
You two: “HEY!”
