How to survive a summer's night in a non air conditioned flat in Asmalimescit during a water and power outage
Left: Plan A
There are some truly hellish places on earth, places where humans do not belong, where you need wits, strength, endurance, fitness and a whole lot of luck just to stay alive. Whether it be negotiating a glacier in Iceland, lost in a jungle in the Congo, or caught in crossfire in some kind of Middle Eastern urban warfare, you would be lucky to survive without shitting your pants. A summer night during a heat wave trying to get some sleep in a non air-conditioned flat situated above two nightclubs in Asmalimescit, Istanbul, is one of those kinds of places. You have to be prepared, you have to know what you're getting yourself into, and you have to use everything at your disposal to get out alive. I don't care if you're Bear Grylls, P.J. O'Rourke or Ernest Shackleton, this is a tough place to be.
For those who don't know, Asmalimescit is entertainment central in downtown Istanbul. It's full of bars, nightclubs and restaurants. The music is loud, the streets are packed, and the revelry goes on till dawn. There are also regular power and water outages. So let me set the scene up for you: it's a heat wave; there is no breeze; power and water come and go; you have a fan in the house that must be on you at all times; the music is very loud; there are mosquitoes; you're on the fourth floor, making it even hotter; there is a hotel next door with a diesel generator that comes on during power cuts, the exhaust pipe of which is a mere six meters from your window, and directly level with it.
Here's the ideal situation in such a precarious set-up: you're done weltering on your couch for the evening, you take a cold shower, take the fan to your bedroom, aim it at you (and, in this case, your girlfriend), and you sleep. You decide whether you would like the windows closed to keep out noise but also deal with the stuffiness that will ensue, or to leave it open and use ear plugs. We do the latter. And so we go to sleep. The only problem is that if one thing goes wrong, the whole thing collapses.
But so far everything's fine. No hitches. Then, just as you're going to bed, the water is out. The water could be out for two reasons, and both reasons will mean it will be out a long time: one, there is work going on out on the street, which means there's one guy with a pick doing the digging and five other guys standing around watching or telling him what to do and possibly arguing with each other, which means the problem will be fixed no time soon. Or it means our building's water counter has run out of credit and water will be cut until paid, which would be by tomorrow noon at the earliest. So now you and all the sweat that has accumulated on your sticky skin have to lie on your bed sheets trying to ignore feeling gross and dirty. It's uncomfortable, but not terrible, and you're sleepy enough to drift off. So you go to bed, sticky, gross, but with the fan on you blowing away.
But then from 11pm onwards, the music downstairs kicks up a notch, a really terrible notch, from tacky pop to horrible house music remixes of stuff like Dr. Alban's "It's My Life", and at double volume. Just truly atrocious shit. You have to close those windows. You go back to bed, your trusty fan is whirring away like your best friend on earth, but then the unthinkable happens. Power cut!
A power cut is disaster. It's a horrible horrible moment when it happens too, because you only know there is a power cut when the fan stops. Suddenly the whirring isn't as strong, you look at it in horror hoping it's not what you think, and then you start seeing the blades of the fan through the blur, and in a second the blur is gone and the fan is out. You start sweating immediately. In two seconds the sheets are wet under you. The air is stuffy and you hear mosquitoes start descending on your head. You're besieged on all sides. You have to open the windows, but just as you do, the hotel's generator purrs into action, sending a big black cloud of exhaust straight into your flat. You close the windows again. The situation is dire. You look at your girlfriend and she's still sleeping -- with a sheet over her! HOW!? Never mind, just save yourself. But there's nothing to do. You are fucked. You move to a plain unpadded chair because the couch and bed are too soft, the mosquitoes attack, the sweating continues, the air is stuffy, you can't take a cold shower, you forgot to put water in the fridge to at least have a long cold drink (that could've been avoided with a little foresight), and you're still sleepy. Something's got to give.
Luckily, the situation, as hellish as it is, is not unsalvageable. You're going to need to be prepared for this, here's what you need:
1) Lap-top computer, battery fully charged, something to watch already downloaded. 2) Five-liter bottles of stored tap water. 3) Alcohol. 4) Ice. 5) Cold drinking water (don't forget this time!). 6) Small towel. 7) Candle(s).
Light candle(s) in bathroom. Bring a stool or some chair and place computer on chair. Open what file you're going to watch, pause it so it's ready to play at the touch of a key. Prepare yourself a drink. Whiskey is preferable to raki, vodka or beer, since they need to be cold, which will be a problem once the power's gone. Empty bottles of tap water into tub, throw in a few ice cubes, wrap rest of ice cubes in small towel. Enter the bath and lay back. Place small towel on your forehead and/or neck. Press key to start whatever it is you're going to watch. Cool off and enjoy.
As you will have noticed, this plan relies completely on the off-chance that you have a bathtub. But there is a Plan B if you don't. Here it is, you will need:
1) Eggs. 2) Baseball bat. 3) Sand. 4) Two one-and-a-half liter bottles of stored tap water. 5) 300 TL. 6) Mace. 7) Panty-hose. 8) Bullhorn. 9) Cigarette. 10) Lighter.
First wait for your initial torrent of loud curses to all that is good and holy come to an end when the water is out. Say "I CAN'T STAND THIS MUSIC ANYMORE", open windows and throw eggs at crowd in front of nightclubs below. Even if the eggs only hit the ground, they will soon stink enough to drive everyone away from there.
Take baseball bat, mace, sand, bullhorn, 300 TL and water bottles with you and exit house in a storm of anger and frustration, descend on nightclub, pull pantyhose over your head to conceal identity, and spray mace into bouncers' eyes. Pass by debilitated bouncers and move toward the sound system. Pour water all over sound system and into electrical wiring, thereby ending all that hideous house music for good. Use baseball bat to smash DJ's turntables and records. If you have time, make an effort to find that Dr. Alban "It's My Life" house remix in particular and plow into it like it's the printer from Office Space.
Repeat with other nightclub.
Here the cops will show up. Take off pantyhose, pull them aside and use 300 TL to bribe them (yes, 300 TL will do). Once they have gone, wait for expected power outage. Once power is out and the hotel generator kicks into action, proceed to hotel. Use baseball bat to make your way through if you should be blocked by anyone. Continue with loud curses, screaming and wild threats at all those around you. Once you climb up to floor with generator, throw sand into exhaust and side ventilation, shutting that goddamn generator up once and for all. Discard baseball bat, take out bullhorn, declare to everyone in neighborhood that even though you will soon be arrested and carted off to the insane asylum, there are millions like you who will not hesitate to act as one-man militias when besieged by an inhuman accumulation of terrible circumstances that result from the mismanagement and indifference of people who have no respect for the rights and dignity of others and will do anything for a buck. Finally, light up a cigarette and enjoy.
But remember, plan B is only for those who don't happen to have a bathtub.
Left: Plan B
