Left: This is a photo I found after Googling "happiness" but it looks more like what you might get if you Googled "Deranged Chinese Von Trapp Family" (which I now absolutely must Google)
Being happy is very important because it's very hard to find happiness without being happy. Unhappiness is universally considered to be one of the major obstacles to finding happiness. In fact, it's believed that unhappy people are some of the least happy people in the world, which in itself is one of the major causes of unhappiness. The cure? Happiness. So here are some tips on avoiding unhappiness while finding happiness in the process.
1. Remember, happiness is inside you.
That being said, it's hard to reach in and find it, because that would mean either shoving your hand down your throat or jamming it up your own rectal passage, which is gross, and even if you could do it you'd still have to know where to look, but of course you can't see inside you because your eyes would have to be on backwards and it would be very dark anyway, and just generally slimy and disgusting. Come to think of it, happiness might be better found outside you.
2. Find yourself a hobby that will make you want to drink instead.
Because drinking makes you happier than stupid model airplanes.
3. Levitate.
Levitation has been proven to induce happiness by giving you a sense of inner peace and tranquility. Find a quiet place and set aside a few minutes each day to levitate. Levitation will also do wonders for your concentration and, ironically, make you a more down-to-earth kind of person.
4. Imagine that society's expectations of you are actually your expectations of society.
So flip it around and expect society to be pleasant, hard working, productive, conscientious, responsible, fair and well adjusted for a change. You'll then realize that society will never live up those expectations, in which case neither should you. That'll make you happy, because you'll see that society is no better than you, which means that you're probably quite ok the way you are.
5. Drink.
I'm drinking and I feel happy. Theory proved!
6. Believe in a just God and an afterlife.
Unless you're evil, in which case moral relativism is probably the way to go here.
7. Be Zen.
Fuck everyone over for your own self-interest. Oh wait, I'm confusing Zen with Ayn Rand. I always do that.
8. Television.
The bigger the happier!
9. Look at green trees.
Trees make you feel happy because they're green. Or was it that green makes you happy because it reminds you of trees? Something.
10. Tell yourself how awesome you are when you're making love with yourself.
Whisper sweet nothings to yourself when you're having a romantic and intimate moment hunched over your computer in a dark room with a roll of toilet paper at the ready.
11. Don't get cancer.
Cancer is anathema to happiness. Anathema is Greek for "shit". That means cancer is to happiness as shit is to everything else.
12. Don't read books about happiness.
It's very endearing when people try to put feelings into words, fumbling around with adjectives, trying to get it right. But it's also futile because happiness can only be its own reference. Here, let's try: "Happiness is like a... like some... it's sort of... it's the feeling of... well... happiness." See? Don't waste your time reading books like this.
13. Get a job that is rewarding, interesting, meaningful and pays well.
You can find it by following the magic rainbow that will take you to Happy Job Land where rewarding, interesting, meaningful jobs that pay well grow on Happy Job Trees. Ask the Happy Job Fairy to pick the right one for you.
14. Next time you meet someone new, introduce yourself as Baron Horatio Wigglebottom the Third, a wealthy El Salvadorian industrialist and rubber tycoon who is currently building a massive white picket fence around Switzerland.
Trust me, wherever the conversation goes from there, it is guaranteed to end in laughter. Or at least awkward laughter. Or maybe awkward silence. But whatever, it's worth it. For added emphasis, make sure to assume an outrageous accent and a limp (you can ignore that if you already have an outrageous accent and a limp). Eye-patch is optional, but would be AWESOME. Stay in character even after you're asked "seriously, who are you?" for the third time. Sometimes a situation can become so awkward it becomes funny again. I don't know what all this has to do with happiness, but... hm.
15. Get rock hard abs and kick-ass personality!
Crunches and sit-ups are perfect for six-pack abs and a bang-up personality that will endear the shit out of you to others!
16. Feel superior to a different person every day.
Vary it up. One day you can feel superior to someone with a different sexual orientation than yours, another day it could be a foreigner or somebody with different skin color, the next day it could be a person of the opposite sex, or maybe even somebody with a conspicuous disability. Be creative.
17. If the booze is finished, check the cabinets and fridge again, just to be sure, then go buy more booze and a packet of smokes. A bag of chips would also be nice, but first see if the corner store's open, and don't forget your house keys this time.
Ok, done.
18. Remind yourself that you're special.
This sounds wrong, because you're probably not special at all, but I keep seeing this in magazines so I guess there must be something to it.
19. Focus on the present.
The bigger and more expensive the present is, the better. Live in the NOW. As in "I want my present NOW".
20. Be grateful rather than grating.
The first one is good, the second one gets on people's nerves.
21. Do drugs.
Drugs make you very happy, but you have to keep taking them, otherwise they make you very sad. First consult with your doctor and/or dealer and/or shaman.
22. Steal money.
Money makes you happy. Fact. Working for money makes you depressed. Fact. Solution? Money without work = stealing = happiness. Why are you looking at me like I'm an asshole?
23. Have dreams.
The best ones are when you're floating.
24. Be white.
Let's face it, being white helps. When Turks think of happiness they think of Scandinavians. Which is ironic, because from what I hear Scandinavians tend to kill themselves a lot. Not as much as the Japanese though. That's a whole different level of unhappy. Are Japanese white?
25. Be positive.
It's important to be positive, but not HIV-positive. Don't confuse the two. Also, if your blood type is B+, you can make some kind of witty comment about how B+ and "be positive" are homophones.
Also good for happiness: love, friendship, travel, children, art, food, pets, sex, compassion, humor, health, companionship, etc. Oh and fruits, vegetables, nuts and olive oil. And exercise. And sleep. Music too, can't forget music. Dancing? Sure, that's always happy. I think that covers it.
