A Special Supplement journalist takes time off from selling ads for a magazine supplement on some African country to respond to those who are less than appreciative of the worth, ethics and benefit that their industry offers in terms of attracting publicity and investment to developing countries around the world.
By Marcia Brady
"Dear Critic,
"I am appalled and shocked at how people have been dissing this fine industry with all their lies and slander. Sure, I once thought of working for an NGO instead, delivering aid to remote disaster-stricken villages in impoverished developing countries, but I heard it doesn't pay enough to support my coke habit so I scrapped that plan. I mean, who wants to do stupid volunteer work with a bunch of preppy rich-kids trying to garnish their CVs with some goody-goody philanthropy for their precious little college applications? No thanks! It doesn’t matter how cute some of those aid workers are, bending up and down with their tight tushes and their lean suntanned bodies glistening with sweat under the brutal sub-Saharan sun, throwing sacks of grain at a desperate mob of starving disease-ridden Africans who'll probably die of AIDS in a few days anyway. Sure it sounds fun and sexy, but it seems like a bit of a waste of time since there's always some other disaster that happens as soon as you're done helping the ones who suffered from the previous one. So instead, I opted for this line of work that we can call 'Special Journalism'. And I'm glad I did become a Special Journalist, because I really do believe that we can--and do--make a difference, much more so than those stupid aid organizations that are really just fronts for some shady trading in the global black market for cheap grain and rice. But that's another story.
"Many nay-saying neer-do-well negative nancy's here who like to poo-poo what I do would do well to note that these special reports we work so hard on serve a crucial function for attracting much needed attention--in terms of tourism potential and investment potential--to me. I get to see some of the most exotic locations around the globe while at the same time raking up some fine 5-10 percent commish on every sale so as to invest in a chic little flat somewhere back home where I can live in the future when my tits start sagging. How can you ignore the vital function that this industry serves for bettering the lives of so many impoverished college graduates with marketing and communications majors throughout the First World? Have you all become so jaded and cynical that you don't realize that in terms of developing and attracting tourism and investment potential, these reports are, I believe, of great benefit to me and thousands of people like me, by giving me the kind of exposure I need to help successfully take my place in the world as a rapidly developing, up-and-coming cosmopolitan person. So all you cynical sally’s better realize that when you're putting down this industry, you're putting down the very people this industry serves, the very people who are expecting to benefit from a better standard of living thanks to the services of this industry--people like you and me.
"Another thing I love about this industry is that I feel that it empowers me as a strong, independent, successful, modern woman. Unfortunately, this type of model woman is sorely lacking in the world, and especially in all the third world countries I go to, where women are anything but modern, successful, independent and proud. Instead they're all poor and undernourished and always dependent on their husbands and always asking for money, or they smell like rotten milk, and generally have a pessimistic attitude to everything, lacking that essential 'Can Do!' approach that makes the difference between us and them. By going to these countries, we are being excellent role models for what a woman should be like, and maybe that way those people will also start emulating us, instead of hiding their faces behind veils and cowering from the world in their ramshackle houses, when they could be going out there and being their own person, affirming their femininity, becoming a successful woman all on their own, just like us. Maybe they'll look at us and say 'Hey, I can do it too!' All they need is a positive frame of mind and a Go-Get'em attitude. When I drive by in the back seat of my chauffeur-driven car with my high heels and miniskirt haranguing some bigshot businessman or state minister on my cellphone to pay up or face our lawyers in between making snide and slightly racist remarks to my dumbass driver who can't seem to find a big goddamn GOVERNMENT MINISTRY on the only paved road in some shitty-ass third world hellhole, I'm setting an example to all the women by the side of the road trying to collect water from a puddle to stave off death for one more day for her 12 children... I'm basically saying 'You go Girl! If I can do it, so can you!' It's that sort of 'Take No Prisoners!' attitude that needs to be promoted in those kinds of countries, and we do that.
"Some people have also cast aspersions on the quality of these reports, as if they were just a front to sell advertising. Well how could we sell the advertising if we didn't have the report? We couldn't! That proves how important the report is! When you’re reading Business Week or The Economist and you turn the page and magically see the font change amid photos of oil refineries and shiny buildings in downtown some-African-city beneath a disclaimer from the magazine editor that they have nothing to do whatsoever with the special supplement that follows, you know that the 150,000 dollar full-page ad bought by the oil minister with the big pearly white smile gazing at you from the front page was well worth it. And even if it weren’t, his uncle is probably the president of the whole country so he’d only just get a slap on the wrist, so nobody is ever harmed in the making of our reports. Besides, our reports include crucial information for those planning on going to those places, and also sheds in a positive light governments and countries that have received nothing but bad press up until now. I mean all you hear are people going on about negative things like 'Oh, you committed genocide' and 'Hey, you're slaughtering political dissidents' or like 'Oh no, you just wiped out an ethnic minority', bleh bleh bleh. I mean, come on, is there nothing positive in these countries? Of course there are. Sure 800,000 people were butchered by machete-wielding mobs in Rwanda, but I bet you didn't know that they have wild gorillas and lush tropical rainforests? Thanks to our report, you know about it and can go see them before they're all killed by poachers (hurry!). Sure, you may know Sudan as an impoverished shithole where genocide is virtually official government policy, but did you also know that it's the biggest country in Africa, and that it has enormous ecotourism potential? Untapped treasure trove! Sure you may know South Africa as a giant puddle of AIDS and crime, but did you know that Cape Town is delightful? So let's stop the negativity and realize the importance of Special Journalism in giving people the other side of the story. As I always say, if God's given them AIDS, why not help them make lemonades?
"Besides the benefit we bring to these countries, there's also a lot of fun in it too. We all have a bunch of crazy anecdotes which we otherwise wouldn't have had if we weren't Special Journalists. You meet so many people wherever you go, but no matter where you are or how shitty the country is, we all know that there will be at least a few other white people (do Lebanese count as white?) there to hang out with and get laid every now and again. I'll admit it can be stressful, depressing and lonely at times--especially if you're in a Latin American country on one of your standard biweekly coke hangovers--but that just comes with the job. The trick is to have a little pep, take a bump, and always be positive. Some people think we're just using sexuality to make dodgy sales, but they're just people who are jealous that we're prettier than them. Sure, looking good is important for any business deal, but it's not the sex that sells, it's the product we're offering. That’s not to say that body language isn’t important, because it is. Subtle little things make all the difference, like making good eye contact, or playing with your hair, or accidentally baring a nipple while my tits are bouncing around because I'm fake-giggling at some CFO's puerile sexist pun. So yes, looks do matter. I mean people don't want to look at some fat ugly bitch when you're trying to get them in a spending mood. Instead they want to see a smart, beautiful, elegant, sexy lady, with nice tits.
"So let's say it once and say it loud: We're Special and we're proud!"
