(Some rules of thumb under mother’s thumb)
Living with my sister in a flat that’s been all done and decorated and owned by my mother, and which has been featured on the cover of various magazines, is not the ideal lush ride you might think. This manual is expected to help us in case of emergencies, like when mother arrives with short notice, no notice at all, or when we’re hungover (when any notice is effectively a short notice and an unwelcome one). It’s a simple, point-by-point outline of how to salvage a house lived in by two drunkards and turn it back into the magazine-cover house of mom’s dreams in a matter of minutes. This process involves neither thaumaturgy nor devilry. It’s practical, logical, simple to follow, and – when done in the right frame of mind – might even be… fun? So here goes:
THE CALL
Let’s start with the easiest scenario first: She just calls to ask some questions. Just simple harmless questions, over the phone. A typical conversation might be:
“Hey mom, what’s up?”
“Good, good dear, how are you?”
“Oh we’re great, had a good night last night, just chilling out today, taking it easy. How’s dad?”
“Oh good good, that’s nice to hear… Now listen, first thing, there’s a tablecloth you have to take out of the chest…”
“Ooo no, here we go, ZZZZZZ”
“Shut up and listen! I saw a stain on that tablecloth last time I was there and I think it needs to be cleaned. And also those pots in the kitchen…”
And so forth. The conversation will usually begin as a standard question-and-answer format before devolving into that of an accuse-and-deny showdown. In this situation it’s best to follow certain behavioral guidelines. Initially evade the question by acting like you don’t know what she’s talking about, and then, as she becomes adamant, give an “oh-I-just-realized-what-you’re-talking-about” sort of expression. This serves the purpose of making it clear to her that what she’s worried about is actually totally trivial and exaggerated because of your “Pfff, that little thing?” attitude. However, don’t think that this will make her think that she’s exaggerating, it’ll just let you make it known to her that you think she’s exaggerating and help you vent a little frustrated annoyance without getting confrontational with her. DO NOT in this circumstance give her your initial heartfelt “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU INSANE? HAVE YOU LOST IT COMPLETELY YOU PSYCHO!?” answer, because this will only immediately deteriorate into an irrational shouting match that will end with her telling you you’re an ungrateful child. Once you have met her on an even playing field, listen to each point she raises and simply say “Ok, sure, got it” and agree with everything until you hypnotize her into a regular groove. This way, by co-opting her concerns and taking the edge off her edginess, you are cushioning yourself from annoyance and taking the bite out of her bark. Keep this conversational coddling going on until conversation is over.
In order to be prepared, here are some standard FAQ’s (Frequently Assumed Quagmires) that should be expected, along with suggested answers:
1. “What happened to the ring(s) on the shower curtain?” Now there is nothing to answer here except to accept you have been careless and brutish with pulling the shower curtain every time you go in the shower. SUGGESTED ANSWER: “Oh yeah, It came off” to which she’ll say “You’re damn right it came off!” to which you just remain calm and take it. POSSIBLE TRICK: Say that you didn’t take the last shower, thereby insinuating that you weren’t the LAST person to see that the shower curtain ring was unhooked. This will work in the way of making the whole situation seem silly, as well as drawing your sister into the conversation, thereby taking some of the heat off yourself.
2. “Why is this lamp here instead of here?” This is a trick question. She’s expecting that the lamp has been moved because you’re not happy with something, and so try and resist your initial temptation of blurting out a “there isn’t enough reading light” answer in a tone of complaint. She will immediately pounce on that with a “then why don’t you go buy one?” which is a disaster, because she will immediately add, “did you get paid this month?” and that will inevitably deteriorate into a “what are you going to do with your life?” scenario from which there is no hope of escape without feeling like a dog's anus. Therefore, SUGGESTED ANSWER: “Oh, did it move? I hadn’t noticed (or) Oh, sorry, I was going to put it back, I must’ve gotten distracted.” POSSIBLE TRICK: Tell her you were cleaning around there and changed the place of the lamp so you could dust under it and the lamp itself. She probably won’t buy it, but it’s worth a shot. In fact, the more you throw in the word “cleaning” into your sentences in any context possible, the more you will subliminally pacify her, thus possibly taking a little venom out of her sting.
3. “Is there any problem in the flat? Tell me the truth” There is only one answer to this: NO. Don’t tell her the truth. And whatever you do, BE DECISIVE in your answer. If you stall even for a brief moment, if you hesitate, or laugh, or chuckle in any way, she will be on to you like a pitbull. Remember, she is not gauging your answer through what words you use but through what initial unthoughtout (viz. honest) reactions you give to the question. Therefore, be quick, be firm, and say “No, there is nothing wrong in the flat at all.” Once you have given your answer and the phone conversation is over, immediately set about fixing everything that’s wrong in the flat.
THE VISIT
Thankfully, the visit will always be preceded by a phone call as a forewarning, not for the sake of those living there, but so that those living there will know they have to clean the flat up in anticipation of mother’s visit. Here’s a step-by-step guide to how to clean the flat up:
1. If the flat is in post-party hangover mode, the first step would seem like it is to clean out all the beer cans, bottles, caps and ashtrays, but actually the first action should in fact be to make sure all the furniture is in the right place – as soon as you’ve of course woken up and gotten rid of the people passed out on your floor and/or in your bed (make sure also to check underneath the dining room table, and also for possible person passed out still hugging the toilet bowl). Arranging the furniture is crucial, because in case she happens to come by before you can get everything done, having all the furniture in the right and accustomed place ensures there is nothing that will catch her eye as soon as she enters the door. NOTE: The crucial items are the four red cushions on the red couch at the end of the room, because they are the first thing that is seen as soon as one enters the flat and instinctively looks left where the window is (because we always first look toward where the light's coming from). The red cushions should be neatly stacked, preferably four on one side, thereby giving the semblance of normalcy. This is a PRIORITY. Quickly follow this up with similar stacking of cushions on long beige couch, two to each side. If things can’t look clean at first, at least make sure they look tidy and in their right places (i.e. the places mother put them in the first place. If you’re not sure, check and compare with photos of flat in the Country Homes magazine that is always to be found on the coffee chest).
2. Leave bedroom, library, and bathroom last. Proceed to clear out aforementioned beer cans, bottles and ashtrays from living room and dining table, stack in kitchen, empty half-full ones (I'm an optimist), put in black plastic bags leftover from last night (the ones that smell like puke), place outside. NOTE: Do not attempt to hand-wash anything. Place all glasses, plates, cutlery, pots, pans, etc, in the DISHWASHER. You have no time to waste. (In fact it’s a good idea to repeat that imperative sentence out loud as a mantra all through the cleaning process: “YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE! YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE!” – and act like there’s an exclamation mark at the end of it too, you lazy slob.)
3. Vacuum and wipe living-room coffee table and floors, followed by kitchen counter and floors (in that order). Pick up plastic cigarette wrappers, bottle caps and peeled off beer labels; neatly stack magazines and books that have been flung across the room; wonder who left their sweater at your place, and then stop caring forever even after one of your friends calls and says "Hey I think I left my sweater at your place"; put batteries strewn across living room back into remote control (first find remote control between cushions, or in kitchen – try not to ask what it’s doing in the kitchen or why the batteries aren't inside it, because all you will get are confused hangover groans from yourself); put broken things back where they belong, i.e. doorknob back on door, broken mirror back in frame, loose medicine cabinet door back on hinge, bottle opener out of wood-carved Indian statue’s nose. Curse your friends to let off steam, and also because they still haven’t gotten up off the floor and left your flat.
4. Put foldout bed away, first making sure there are no fully-dressed people lying in it and/or having sex.
5. OPEN THE WINDOWS!
6. Tidy bathroom, hang towels, wipe wet sticky spots with toilet paper.
7. While in bathroom, brush your teeth and take a shit, you animal. FLUSH THE TOILET TWICE!
8. Sweep off and vacuum the white carpet under dining table.
9. The bedrooms are usually a lost cause. However, mother accepts it as a lost cause, so do not bother with bedroom unless it’s not in too bad a state. At least make sure bedcovers and pillows are in place and relatively neat. Check for cigarette burns in pillow.
10. The final touch is to place everything in linear fashion, meaning all straight edges should be parallel to each other and all 90 degree corners of objects should be at 45 degree angles vis-a-vis of all larger objects that they happen to be on top of: i.e. remote controls vis-a-vis coffee table, computer vis-a-vis dining table, magazines and books vis-a-vis chest, antenna vis-a-vis TV set, placemats vis-a-vis side table. Persnickitiness is always mistaken for cleanliness.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Having to do all this will inevitably piss you off, especially when hungover, but the tenth step is an important way to get back at the cause of your anger. Basically, when you receive the call that mother wants to drop by and pick up laundry or bring a new shower curtain (there’s always some excuse) when all you want to do is eat Big Macs and watch reality shows on TV as you push out trombone farts and gossip about the night before, then your initial instinct is to say “FUCK THAT, I’M LEAVING THE HOUSE THE WAY IT IS!” I cannot stress enough that you SHOULD NOT DO THIS! You will not get at her, you will only cause her to be angry, to shout and scream, making everything worse, and always inevitably bring on yourself the whole “what-are-you-going-to-do-with-your-life?” conversation which you can never get out of without being depressed. Therefore the best option is to do the house really well, in fact, TOO well, so well that she sees that you’ve gone to extremes solely on her account. How does the house look too good? Simple: step 10, obsessively finnicky linearity. Instead of having things look tidy, clean, and lived, make things look tidy, clean, and UN-lived--in other words, make the place look like it were a museum or a hospital. This also has the advantage of making mother believe that not only is she anal-retentive but her anal-retentive disorder may also be rubbing off on her kids, which may cause her conscience to intervene to your benefit. The danger, however, is that she may think this is a good thing, so make sure you do this linearizing consciously, always being aware why you’re doing it (viz. SPITE), otherwise you WILL become anal-retentive. If you find that you’re starting to do it because it seems natural – even when she’s not going to visit the house – then follow the initial impulse of not cleaning or tidying anything at all to save yourself from a fate worse than (a tidy and linear) death.
So that was a brief guideline on emergency procedures in the case of a maternal visit of the “I-wonder-how-the-house-is-now?” nature. Depending on how well you do, you will either get a thank you, or you will receive the standard “do-you-know-how-hard-I-worked-to-create-this-flat-you-should-know-how-lucky-you-are-because-I-can’t-do-it-again-never-EVER” speech.
Final word: make sure that ring on the shower curtain is HOOKED!
Living with my sister in a flat that’s been all done and decorated and owned by my mother, and which has been featured on the cover of various magazines, is not the ideal lush ride you might think. This manual is expected to help us in case of emergencies, like when mother arrives with short notice, no notice at all, or when we’re hungover (when any notice is effectively a short notice and an unwelcome one). It’s a simple, point-by-point outline of how to salvage a house lived in by two drunkards and turn it back into the magazine-cover house of mom’s dreams in a matter of minutes. This process involves neither thaumaturgy nor devilry. It’s practical, logical, simple to follow, and – when done in the right frame of mind – might even be… fun? So here goes:
THE CALL
Let’s start with the easiest scenario first: She just calls to ask some questions. Just simple harmless questions, over the phone. A typical conversation might be:
“Hey mom, what’s up?”
“Good, good dear, how are you?”
“Oh we’re great, had a good night last night, just chilling out today, taking it easy. How’s dad?”
“Oh good good, that’s nice to hear… Now listen, first thing, there’s a tablecloth you have to take out of the chest…”
“Ooo no, here we go, ZZZZZZ”
“Shut up and listen! I saw a stain on that tablecloth last time I was there and I think it needs to be cleaned. And also those pots in the kitchen…”
And so forth. The conversation will usually begin as a standard question-and-answer format before devolving into that of an accuse-and-deny showdown. In this situation it’s best to follow certain behavioral guidelines. Initially evade the question by acting like you don’t know what she’s talking about, and then, as she becomes adamant, give an “oh-I-just-realized-what-you’re-talking-about” sort of expression. This serves the purpose of making it clear to her that what she’s worried about is actually totally trivial and exaggerated because of your “Pfff, that little thing?” attitude. However, don’t think that this will make her think that she’s exaggerating, it’ll just let you make it known to her that you think she’s exaggerating and help you vent a little frustrated annoyance without getting confrontational with her. DO NOT in this circumstance give her your initial heartfelt “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ARE YOU INSANE? HAVE YOU LOST IT COMPLETELY YOU PSYCHO!?” answer, because this will only immediately deteriorate into an irrational shouting match that will end with her telling you you’re an ungrateful child. Once you have met her on an even playing field, listen to each point she raises and simply say “Ok, sure, got it” and agree with everything until you hypnotize her into a regular groove. This way, by co-opting her concerns and taking the edge off her edginess, you are cushioning yourself from annoyance and taking the bite out of her bark. Keep this conversational coddling going on until conversation is over.
In order to be prepared, here are some standard FAQ’s (Frequently Assumed Quagmires) that should be expected, along with suggested answers:
1. “What happened to the ring(s) on the shower curtain?” Now there is nothing to answer here except to accept you have been careless and brutish with pulling the shower curtain every time you go in the shower. SUGGESTED ANSWER: “Oh yeah, It came off” to which she’ll say “You’re damn right it came off!” to which you just remain calm and take it. POSSIBLE TRICK: Say that you didn’t take the last shower, thereby insinuating that you weren’t the LAST person to see that the shower curtain ring was unhooked. This will work in the way of making the whole situation seem silly, as well as drawing your sister into the conversation, thereby taking some of the heat off yourself.
2. “Why is this lamp here instead of here?” This is a trick question. She’s expecting that the lamp has been moved because you’re not happy with something, and so try and resist your initial temptation of blurting out a “there isn’t enough reading light” answer in a tone of complaint. She will immediately pounce on that with a “then why don’t you go buy one?” which is a disaster, because she will immediately add, “did you get paid this month?” and that will inevitably deteriorate into a “what are you going to do with your life?” scenario from which there is no hope of escape without feeling like a dog's anus. Therefore, SUGGESTED ANSWER: “Oh, did it move? I hadn’t noticed (or) Oh, sorry, I was going to put it back, I must’ve gotten distracted.” POSSIBLE TRICK: Tell her you were cleaning around there and changed the place of the lamp so you could dust under it and the lamp itself. She probably won’t buy it, but it’s worth a shot. In fact, the more you throw in the word “cleaning” into your sentences in any context possible, the more you will subliminally pacify her, thus possibly taking a little venom out of her sting.
3. “Is there any problem in the flat? Tell me the truth” There is only one answer to this: NO. Don’t tell her the truth. And whatever you do, BE DECISIVE in your answer. If you stall even for a brief moment, if you hesitate, or laugh, or chuckle in any way, she will be on to you like a pitbull. Remember, she is not gauging your answer through what words you use but through what initial unthoughtout (viz. honest) reactions you give to the question. Therefore, be quick, be firm, and say “No, there is nothing wrong in the flat at all.” Once you have given your answer and the phone conversation is over, immediately set about fixing everything that’s wrong in the flat.
THE VISIT
Thankfully, the visit will always be preceded by a phone call as a forewarning, not for the sake of those living there, but so that those living there will know they have to clean the flat up in anticipation of mother’s visit. Here’s a step-by-step guide to how to clean the flat up:
1. If the flat is in post-party hangover mode, the first step would seem like it is to clean out all the beer cans, bottles, caps and ashtrays, but actually the first action should in fact be to make sure all the furniture is in the right place – as soon as you’ve of course woken up and gotten rid of the people passed out on your floor and/or in your bed (make sure also to check underneath the dining room table, and also for possible person passed out still hugging the toilet bowl). Arranging the furniture is crucial, because in case she happens to come by before you can get everything done, having all the furniture in the right and accustomed place ensures there is nothing that will catch her eye as soon as she enters the door. NOTE: The crucial items are the four red cushions on the red couch at the end of the room, because they are the first thing that is seen as soon as one enters the flat and instinctively looks left where the window is (because we always first look toward where the light's coming from). The red cushions should be neatly stacked, preferably four on one side, thereby giving the semblance of normalcy. This is a PRIORITY. Quickly follow this up with similar stacking of cushions on long beige couch, two to each side. If things can’t look clean at first, at least make sure they look tidy and in their right places (i.e. the places mother put them in the first place. If you’re not sure, check and compare with photos of flat in the Country Homes magazine that is always to be found on the coffee chest).
2. Leave bedroom, library, and bathroom last. Proceed to clear out aforementioned beer cans, bottles and ashtrays from living room and dining table, stack in kitchen, empty half-full ones (I'm an optimist), put in black plastic bags leftover from last night (the ones that smell like puke), place outside. NOTE: Do not attempt to hand-wash anything. Place all glasses, plates, cutlery, pots, pans, etc, in the DISHWASHER. You have no time to waste. (In fact it’s a good idea to repeat that imperative sentence out loud as a mantra all through the cleaning process: “YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE! YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WASTE!” – and act like there’s an exclamation mark at the end of it too, you lazy slob.)
3. Vacuum and wipe living-room coffee table and floors, followed by kitchen counter and floors (in that order). Pick up plastic cigarette wrappers, bottle caps and peeled off beer labels; neatly stack magazines and books that have been flung across the room; wonder who left their sweater at your place, and then stop caring forever even after one of your friends calls and says "Hey I think I left my sweater at your place"; put batteries strewn across living room back into remote control (first find remote control between cushions, or in kitchen – try not to ask what it’s doing in the kitchen or why the batteries aren't inside it, because all you will get are confused hangover groans from yourself); put broken things back where they belong, i.e. doorknob back on door, broken mirror back in frame, loose medicine cabinet door back on hinge, bottle opener out of wood-carved Indian statue’s nose. Curse your friends to let off steam, and also because they still haven’t gotten up off the floor and left your flat.
4. Put foldout bed away, first making sure there are no fully-dressed people lying in it and/or having sex.
5. OPEN THE WINDOWS!
6. Tidy bathroom, hang towels, wipe wet sticky spots with toilet paper.
7. While in bathroom, brush your teeth and take a shit, you animal. FLUSH THE TOILET TWICE!
8. Sweep off and vacuum the white carpet under dining table.
9. The bedrooms are usually a lost cause. However, mother accepts it as a lost cause, so do not bother with bedroom unless it’s not in too bad a state. At least make sure bedcovers and pillows are in place and relatively neat. Check for cigarette burns in pillow.
10. The final touch is to place everything in linear fashion, meaning all straight edges should be parallel to each other and all 90 degree corners of objects should be at 45 degree angles vis-a-vis of all larger objects that they happen to be on top of: i.e. remote controls vis-a-vis coffee table, computer vis-a-vis dining table, magazines and books vis-a-vis chest, antenna vis-a-vis TV set, placemats vis-a-vis side table. Persnickitiness is always mistaken for cleanliness.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Having to do all this will inevitably piss you off, especially when hungover, but the tenth step is an important way to get back at the cause of your anger. Basically, when you receive the call that mother wants to drop by and pick up laundry or bring a new shower curtain (there’s always some excuse) when all you want to do is eat Big Macs and watch reality shows on TV as you push out trombone farts and gossip about the night before, then your initial instinct is to say “FUCK THAT, I’M LEAVING THE HOUSE THE WAY IT IS!” I cannot stress enough that you SHOULD NOT DO THIS! You will not get at her, you will only cause her to be angry, to shout and scream, making everything worse, and always inevitably bring on yourself the whole “what-are-you-going-to-do-with-your-life?” conversation which you can never get out of without being depressed. Therefore the best option is to do the house really well, in fact, TOO well, so well that she sees that you’ve gone to extremes solely on her account. How does the house look too good? Simple: step 10, obsessively finnicky linearity. Instead of having things look tidy, clean, and lived, make things look tidy, clean, and UN-lived--in other words, make the place look like it were a museum or a hospital. This also has the advantage of making mother believe that not only is she anal-retentive but her anal-retentive disorder may also be rubbing off on her kids, which may cause her conscience to intervene to your benefit. The danger, however, is that she may think this is a good thing, so make sure you do this linearizing consciously, always being aware why you’re doing it (viz. SPITE), otherwise you WILL become anal-retentive. If you find that you’re starting to do it because it seems natural – even when she’s not going to visit the house – then follow the initial impulse of not cleaning or tidying anything at all to save yourself from a fate worse than (a tidy and linear) death.
So that was a brief guideline on emergency procedures in the case of a maternal visit of the “I-wonder-how-the-house-is-now?” nature. Depending on how well you do, you will either get a thank you, or you will receive the standard “do-you-know-how-hard-I-worked-to-create-this-flat-you-should-know-how-lucky-you-are-because-I-can’t-do-it-again-never-EVER” speech.
Final word: make sure that ring on the shower curtain is HOOKED!
