The chicest name in consumer fetishism, Apple Mac computers have become the sine qua non of a narcissistic new class of predatory artsy fartsy intelligentsia that has hijacked art galleries, upscale cafes and environmental conferences everywhere. Whole neighborhoods have been consumed by their voracious appetites for conservation, tolerance, creativity and postmodernism. Cihangir is already lost. It’s time for the evil PC empire to strike back…
It’s the awful moment all us uncool PC-users dread. There’s always some friend of ours who just bought a new PowerBook or an iThis or iThat, and they always act like they just got married or something. “Ooh isn’t it wonderful! Look at it! It’s beautiful! Look at the design! I’m so happy! It’s so smooth and slick, and it works so easily! I love my Mac! I hope you fall in love too some day!” And they really do fall in love with their new Mac. You know why? Because they’re actually in love with themselves.
Buying a Mac is a status symbol, and every Mac-user thinks they’re cooler and smarter than you. By buying a Mac they’re sort of confirming their superiority. It sounds like an exaggeration, doesn’t it? It’s not. Have you been to the Apple store in Şişli, or any Apple store for that matter? The walls are covered with photos of annoyingly pretty, multi-talented technobrats with flowing hair who are both younger and more successful than you, who wear comfy-but-stylish shirts and jeans, all smugly aglow with huge happy smiles on their faces as they surf, or mountain bike, or play guitar, or look pensively over their Mac while sitting on a yoga matt and gazing at a sunset from their beachfront verandah. That’s right, Apple officially targets prats, and it’s shamelessly advertised all over the walls. You should also see the people who browse around the store all ooh-ing and aah-ing like idiots. You’d think they were in Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. This is them: “Wow, look at the new Mac!” This is me, but in a sarcastic tone: “Wow, look at the new Mac!”
Okay, this is where the Mac-users who are reading this are going, “Mac’s are sooo much better, they’re easy to use, each is a masterpiece of design and engineering, they make no noise, you don’t get any viruses, the OS-X user-interface beats the XP, Apple cares about their customer, PC’s are evil, Microsoft is Satan, you’re just jealous anyway,” blah blah blah… Yeah, we know. The iTunes, Garageband, iMovies, and all that software are sooo easy to use, it’s all so pleasing to the eyes, it’s so secure, everything is so snug and safe and backed up by Apple, even people with no experience – or talent – can compose songs and make DVDs... Would you like it to change your diapers for you too?
Here’s the proof that Mac-users are smug prats: 1) Co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs, a sexagenarian who walks around in sneakers and jeans and boasts about having a 1-dollar annual salary (check the Guiness Book of Records), although he also gets “gifts” like 90 million-dollar passenger jets from the Apple board of directors. 2) Apple only has around 5-10 percent of a share in the world market for computers, and yet, if you go to any overpriced yuppie café with Wi-Fi, like Gloria Jeans or Starbucks (in Turkey, Starbucks is yuppie), you’ll see that 90 percent of the people there with laptops who are just sooo busy that they don’t have time to fiddle around with their computer at home or at the office – and would love to take every opportunity they can to rub their busy little self-involved creativity in everyone’s face anyway – are Mac-users. Look at them closely; every now and then they’ll give a silent little chuckle to themselves without ever taking their faces from the screen, just before they take a sip of their café latte, as if they were sharing a private joke with their Mac. A Mac-user and their Mac together in public is like seeing an overly affectionate couple with matching clothes who have their own private jokes and whom you wish would just get a room already. In fact, one day Apple should design a porthole through which Mac-users can finally have sex with their computers, then maybe they can get sick of them once in a while and leave them at home for once.
Basically, the difference between Mac-users and PC-users is like the difference between those who drive sleek, European cars and those who don’t. Mac-users are like Mercedes Benz- and BMW-drivers. These cars also have about a 5 percent share in the world automobile market, and are also relatively expensive, since they are niche luxury brands aimed at – you guessed it – PRATS. You can be sure that that black turtleneck sweater-wearing, gelled-hair, 30-something, Gillette-shaven Euro-prat with a tan and a smirk on his face who actually drives with gloves on, uses a Mac.
By contrast, PC’s are loud, noisy and ugly. Let’s face it, a PC’s like a slut compared to a classy Mac. Their software applications are often put together by 6-7 companies instead of the neat little packages all designed and built by Apple; it’s prone to viruses and spam and all sorts of possibly damaging and bothersome outside applications that Macs are too lofty for… In fact, a PC is a big, noisy, gas-guzzling, problematic American Chevy in comparison.
But there is one big advantage to using a PC: At least you’re not a Mac-user.
