Like a testament to societal identity crisis, the “maganda” represents everything we wish we’d left behind but know we haven’t. They live among us like an embarrassing eyesore, but how many of us have really gotten to know them?
Ever see a guy behind the wheel of a pimped-up Tofaş Şahin with fat tires, tinted glass, a fluorescent purple interior light and big furry objects dangling from an over-sized rearview mirror like the testicles of an elephantiasis-stricken rabbit, thinking to yourself “This guy has got to be kidding”? Well he’s not kidding. And furthermore, the mullet, the bass-blaring boom-box and the left arm hanging from the rolled down window with a smoking cigarette growing like a weed out of his man-ring adorned fingers, are all unique traits of that modern-day specimen we call… the “maganda.”
Although scientists are still not sure if Homo Neanderthalis became extinct or whether they actually interbred with Homo Sapiens, the scene around certain main drags in Istanbul (Taksim, Istiklal or Bağdat Caddesi) seems to show irrefutable proof that our erstwhile Neanderthal friends have not only survived, they have also picked up driver’s licenses along the way, learned to read letters and numbers, and even figured out how to use a complicated and dangerous piece of machinery like the automobile. In fact, it can be argued on this evidence alone, that the Neanderthal has not only thrived, he has also slightly progressed along the evolutionary scale to earn himself a rightful place as a new species of the hominid genus: Homo Maganda.
Although Homo Maganda is obviously a different species, they still resemble Homo Sapiens in many respects, except for their proclivity to fiddling with prayer-beads or key-chains (and in the absence of those, their genitalia), their passion for sports (football, expectoration, bezik-briç-okey), and their inability to adjust the range of their voices, which is demonstrated by the fact that they shout even when speaking into a telephone or communicating with someone standing right next to them.
Homo Maganda also shows a startling tendency to color blindness. This has been demonstrated time and again when the maganda has encountered a red traffic light whilst driving a vehicle (car, bus, dolmuş) and has failed to stop on almost all occasions, unless of course the maganda saw another vehicle in its path, in which case danger was sensed and their brakes were used, albeit grudgingly. They do not, however, show the same compunction to stop when there is a pedestrian, a bicycle, or a dog in their path, which leads many to conclude that the maganda can sense only the most obvious danger to him, not danger that can emanate from him. Magandas have also never been known to slow down at a yellow traffic light, as intended, but rather show the obverse reaction of accelerating toward them, a fact which has baffled many of us, and led me in particular to conclude that the maganda’s failure to see yellow might also explain why they show no hesitation to urinate when and where they get the urge, seeing as they do not see the difference between water and urine – just as they fail to see the difference between complex terms like “public” and “private”. But this should not give the mistaken impression that Homo Maganda does in fact see green just because he passes the green traffic light on every occasion. Some think the maganda drives through regardless of any color that he may or may not see, although the fact that the maganda displays an almost innate tendency to throw trash when passing by grass or trees – both of which are often green – seems to show that Homo Maganda can in fact sense green, and thus satisfy its urge to throw things at it.
Furthermore, Homo Maganda shows some remarkable behavioral traits which set it apart from Homo Sapiens. For example, they have a compulsive tendency to leer unabashedly at soft wobbly protrusions, and show certain characteristics of mating behavior which are very similar to primates other than hominids (e.g. chimps). When the Homo Maganda male becomes excited (keep in mind their abnormal levels of testosterone vis-à-vis Homo Sapiens), he has the tendency to raise his voice, puff his chest, strut, swing his arms and invade the privacy of those around him with even more vigor than usual. This is due to their unique trait of, not staking out territory, but rather seeking to invade others’ territory, a truly remarkable style of truculence among any primates, let alone hominids. Other noticeable characteristics include their tendency to don black overcoats (which indicates a bizarre Matrix/Mafia fetish), their inability to resist shiny things (gold, cars, television), their preference for black shoes with white socks (a mystery to anthropologists and fashion critics alike), their general inability to grasp the subtle difference between the concepts “cool” and “wanker,” their confusion at the prospect of queuing or waiting for something they want, and their inexplicable tendency to try to prove their manliness when performing a simple task like crossing the street, during which many seem to believe that holding up traffic while they themselves act as unhurried pedestrians is a feat worthy of other people’s recognition. Nevertheless, most magandas prefer to drive, as they find they can convey their thoughts better with a car horn than with actual words.
Although Turks can spot a maganda faster than you can say “lock up your daughters,” foreigners may have difficulty in this respect at first. But even so, do not ask someone if they happen to be “a maganda”, because the maganda is not conscious of himself as a maganda anymore than, say, a baboon is conscious of itself as a baboon. Instead, the above description should help guide those of you with a curious nature who would like to go maganda-spotting, while also contributing to the preservation of their habitat. Too many endangered species have been lost to us already (dodos, unicorns, Homo Erectus). So let’s help preserve Homo Maganda, if not for our own sakes, then for the sake of snobby smart-asses to come.
