The ladies are sick of all those sleazebags out there. It’s time to do things “The Pearl” way, so listen up and take some lessons in love.
By P. Earl Nicholas
You may at first be taken aback by my thinning hair, cascading belly, double chin and the wheezing sound I make after I tie my shoelaces, possibly thinking “This guy is no Sex God.” Well I only have two words for you: Ron Jeremy. Don’t let the looks fool you, because if you know the art of love and seduction the way I do, then you too can be a Sex God like me. How? Just let Earl “The Pearl” Nicholas show you.
First of all, you have to smell good because the ladies appreciate that. Let’s face it, if you look like a pig AND smell like one, you’re in a lose-lose situation. Trust me, Rush Limbaugh smells like roses, and so do I. How? Well what I do is I crack open a bottle of my favorite cologne and I douse it liberally all over myself, enough to cover some good tracts of body surface. If you’re piliferously endowed like me, you’ll want to really rub that odor in so it gets through the thick tufts of back, shoulder and chest hair and soaks into your skin. Get it under your arm flaps and all over your belly. Rub it all in. If you have time to spare you could also shower beforehand, but the cologne should be enough since the smell is very strong. You just want to smell good, you don’t want to be a namby pamby pretty boy.
Next up, you have to dress in a way that accentuates and complements your natural sex appeal. You want to be casual but elegant, fun but stylish. That means Hawaiian shirts. Preferably red or blue with white palm trees and a yellow sun, all hanging out casually over your pants. Nothing conjures easygoing, sultry and sexy tropical delight the way an oversized dyed shirt can. There’s also a subliminal message to it, because people will look at you and think “this guy’s getting Lei-ed.”
Now you have to walk the walk and talk the talk. When you’re at a bar and you find the girl you want to seduce, just go on up to her and sit down. Don’t ask if you can or not, because that’s a sign of indecision. Girls like a take-charge guy who knows what he wants. So sit yourself down nice and close to her and introduce yourself as you playfully wrap your hand around her waist and buy her a drink. She’ll find this charming and will already be impressed by how good you smell and how cool you look in your Hawaiian shirt. Now let her know how good SHE looks, because girls love to be noticed and considered beautiful. So try to focus on her most beautiful assets; let your eyes wander over her legs and linger over her breasts as you talk to her, smiling all along to let her know you like what you see. She will be flattered and even grateful for your attention, thus all the more amenable to further advances as the night progresses.
Conversation is more important than you would think. You have to talk nice to her and be funny too, because girls love funny men who aren’t afraid to tell jokes. Sexually explicit jokes are the best, because they’re not only the funniest, but they also put sex in her mind, thus making her even giddier for romance. Lean in and squeeze her thigh when you get to the punch-line, let her feel your breath in her ear and on her neck as you laugh hysterically with her. It will turn her on. Girls also like men who are successful and charismatic, so she’ll be interested to know what you do and who you are. Talk about yourself, your exploits, your successes. There’s nothing wrong with a little exaggeration, because the more impressive you sound, the more the girl will appreciate your company. I mean, she doesn’t want to sit there talking to a loser, right? So let her know she’s in the company of greatness.
“Now how do I get this chick in bed” I hear you pant. Relax. If you’ve followed “The Pearl” procedure so far, she should already be wrapped around your finger tighter than a toey toad’s tongue. It’s time to play it cool. Put your cigarette out as you exhale the final puff from your lungs and lean back with a pensive air. Pretend you have better places you could be right now, but are doing her a favor by hanging around with her. Girls love a mysterious, hard-to-get guy. Be condescending. She’ll make double the effort to live up to your expectations of her. Casually slip in the fact that you’re staying in a place that’s affiliated with a major American hotel chain. She’ll feel like she’s in the presence of royalty. She’s putty in your hands. All you have to worry about now is slipping the guy at the reception of your hotel a few buckaroos, and before you know it you’re back in your chamber with the-girl-who’s-with-the-man-of-her-dreams.
And now that your efforts have borne their obvious fruits, it’s time to speak of the ways of passion. Don’t underestimate foreplay. Give it a good five, maybe even ten minutes, as you lick her ears and neck repeatedly, losing yourselves in the lubricious ecstasy of the moment. Grope her buttocks and breasts tightly, letting her know how much you want her. Speak sexy to her; tell her she’s tastier than steak and hotter than Anna Nicole Smith. Before you know it, she’ll be melting in your arms like grilled cheese, begging you to take her, telling you you’re such a man. And finally, like a sudden tsunami of savage seawater bursting over soft sandy beaches, those tropical shores will lay awash with the waxing waves of your love…
Oh yeah baby, you just got the P. Earl Nicholas treatment.
