Introducing the pseudo-hippie art school graduate who’s out to blow our minds and broaden our horizons.
And then there’s the Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl. In conservative Turkish society where people abide by very set standards of dress and fashion, rarely straying from “the look” they’ve chosen to belong to, it’s no wonder that the Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl also abides by set standards of style. In fact, the standard appearance can be acquired with a simple purchase of the Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl Action Kit (“AFLGAK,” pronounced “Afflegack”), thus helping her conform to rigid standards of non-conformism.
Unlike the Yuppie Combo Kit (or “YUCK”) – which comes with a pre-gelled attachable hair set, attachable smirk, adjustable double chin and belly, complimentary collared Polo shirt, and a mirror – or indeed the Nişantaşette All-Girl Set (“NAGS”) which comes replete with lip gloss, nasal congesting spray (for that extra annoying nagging tone every time she opens her mouth), do-it-yourself rhinoplasty kit, and mirror – the Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl Action Kit has some very different items, although the mirror is still included, albeit in an artsy fartsy Indian frame with painted elephants and fat little Buddhas.
Contrary to the YUCKs and the NAGS, the Afflegack purchaser can expect to find a book in her kit. Literacy is an important differentiation point in the Afflegack. Whereas the YUCKs can only read the sports pages and the daily currency exchange rates, and whereas the NAGS can only read big catchy titles and very short, numbered paragraphs accompanied by lots of colorful distracting photos (i.e. in magazines), the Afflegacks make a point of letting everybody know that their favorite book is the Tibetan Book of the Dead. This, as you might guess, is the book that’s included in the Afflegack, although there is also the choice of the kits which come with The Teachings of Don Juan. She will then mention her painting, her poems, reincarnation, and probably some capoeira. This will of course lead to a short monologue that is spattered with words like “karma” and probably something about being “free from the ego.”
Of course, being “free from the ego” doesn’t necessarily mean one is free from wanting to look hot. After all, the Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl has to get laid too. That’s why the Afflegack also includes dreadlocks or pink hair dye, a small tattoo, some piercings, and a balanced assortment of worn clothes, ripped jeans and loose exotic “ethnic” items. Thus, although she should be able to have an opinion on everything and impress men with her liberated, intelligent, idealistic views on everything from Iraq to clubbing baby seals, she does still have to nab a guy who’s going to be blown away by her wonderfully liberated artsy fartsyness. Obviously this has to be someone “who gets her” (and you’ll hear about how people just don’t “get her,” being, as she is, yet another one-of-a-kind). So the guy who “gets her,” and thus gets her, has to be 1) just as corny as she is, otherwise he’ll just end up pointing her out to his friends and laughing out loud every time she says the word “postmodern,” and 2) so anxious to get laid he’s willing to put up with all the crap that’s coming out her mouth, even though he knows there’s no hope of it abating in the foreseeable future, either pre- or post-coitus.
Another crucial factor for the Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl is the need to be spontaneous. A little booklet explains how this can be achieved: For example, to dance especially when nobody else is dancing, acting like you can pick up subtle rhythms in the music which nobody else can hear. This can be communicated through feigning a trance-like state while using a lot of unnecessary and uncalled-for arm, hand and finger movements, unusual footwork punctuated by kicks, the throwing back and forth of the head, all with closed eyes and a perfect “I’m-in-harmony-with-the-universe” expression plastered across her face. This will leave the uncomfortable standers-by wondering how to deal with her, whether they should look on, smile, clap, whoop, dance along or just look away… the confusion of which is of course the intended effect and part of her standard aggressive attention-seeking. Another spontaneous display of Artsy Fartsy Liberatedness includes jumping on random guys for piggy back rides, spontaneously bursting out into song, talking to strangers about Simone de Beauvoir, and taking every opportunity to show off her creativity – something which can often involve drawing things on napkins or making figures out of tooth picks. These creative outbursts might cause you to lose your temper and blurt out “We get it, you’re an artist, can we eat our burgers now?” but don’t, because you’ll just be asking for a rant on how “narrow-mindedly chauvinistic” you are, and you will NEVER win that argument without actually coming out looking like a narrow-minded chauvinist.
Finally, no Artsy Fartsy Liberated Girl Kit is complete without the requisite “I’ve-been-through-so-much-shit” stories, usually involving abusive ex-boyfriends and/or fathers, a car crash in which a close friend died, a spiritual catharsis she once had in Latin America or India (whichever), and a “the-time-I-tried-to-commit-suicide” anecdote, all of which serve to fend off any inevitable “Who’s-this-wanker?” sentiments from those around her. It’s actually a clever ploy, because you never know if it’s actually true or not, so you have to refrain from making fun of her whether you like it or not. But then, it’s just as well you do refrain, because that’s just bad karma, and bad karma has a tendency to come around and bite you on the ass when you end up living your next life as a dung beetle or something.
