Ho ho ho, hello ladies! Valentine's Day is almost here so why don't you lovely women just sit yourselves on Valentine's Day Santa's lap over here and tell Santa what you'd like for Valentine's Day? Now now ladies, don't be alarmed, there certainly IS such a thing as a Valentine's Day Santa, ho ho ho! Sure, he's not as well known as Christmas Santa, but he has been bringing lubricious Valentine's Day cheer for generations!
That's right, don't you worry ladies, come and sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap... I know I know, you usually expect to see Santa at a mall or a department store, not at the Orifice Depot XXX Adult Warehouse sitting in a dark corner flanked by the double dildos selection on one hand and Brazilian Transsexual videos on the other, but where else would you find a Valentine's Day Santa than a place with all these wonderful adult toys and products that best capture the Valentine's Day spirit? Now now, don't worry, our shop attendant Wayne is right there, or at least he will be when he returns from cleaning the private video booths with the mop bucket... So don't you worry, just relax and enjoy the Valentine's Day season. Look! There's a steady flow of nervous gentlemen discreetly slinking in and out of the store too, obviously full of all that Valentine's Day cheer in their hearts and that special Valentine's Day stare in their eyes! Yes, especially the one over by the Japanese Gangbang section who seems to be frantically searching for something in his pocket as he looks at you with love-soaked Valentine's joy! He certainly has that warm Valentine's Day glow about him!
Now come close and take a seat here on Valentine's Day Santa's lap, ho ho ho! No no, I'm not calling you a Ho, that's simply the way Valentine's Day Santa laughs, Ho! Goodness me, someone seems frightened today. Stop shaking! Now there's just a few days till Valentine's Day, so why don't you start by telling Valentine's Day Santa if you've been naughty or nice, hm? Oh dear, I'm sorry, was I a little close to your face when I said that? No no no, that's not the smell of cigarettes and liquor on my breath at 11:30 in the morning, that's the smell of Valentine's Day cheer... Now tell Santa if you've been naughty this year sugar, go on, just tell Santa if you've... OH I'm sorry, am I squeezing you too tight? Ok ok, my left hand is off your thigh now and my right is off your waist, see? Dear me, don't be so shy my dear, it's me, your lovable Valentine's Day Santa! Just calm down.
Ok ok, you don't have to sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap if you don't want to, that's cool, just chill out. Stop freaking out. How about your friend there? That's right, come on... no no, don't be shy... come on... I insist... gotcha! You can't escape from Valentine's Day Santa now! No no, no point in trying to break loose, Valentine's Day Santa has a firm grip! Stop trying to pry your friend out of my hands ladies, it's no use, Santa has her now... Ho ho ho... who's your friend calling? No no no, there's been a misunderstanding ladies, there is absolutely no need to call the police! Just put the phone away... Ok, we're all just a little tense, everybody just be cool... just chill ladies, relax... calm the fuck down...
Are we cool? Are we cool? Thank you, now that we've settled down, just take it easy all of you and tell me what toys you'd like from Santa for Valentine's Day, ok? I take it you're all here at Orifice Depot to find something a little kinky or sexy or fun to impress your husbands and partners with, am I right? Maybe you want some edible lingerie or fragrant lube or flavored condoms? Or perhaps you'd like to propose to your man with one of our fine selection of elegant cock rings? Valentine's Day Santa can get you anything, and he sees that you've been naughty and nice, am I right? No no, don't call the police again, I didn't mean that in a creepy way... ok ok, no touching, I'm not touching you... see? Hands above my head... Now let's just relax again and let Valentine's Day Santa guide you to the right place to make this Valentine's Day extra magical... Are you ladies into orgy? Anal? Double penetration? Golden showers? Fisting? Bisexual? Lesbian? Interracial? Hentai? Bukkake? Bondage? Fetish? Wait wait wait, where are you going? Let Valentine's Day Santa read you our Valentine's Day specials! I work on commissions! BUY SOMETHING PLEASE! Oh great, they left.
Hello sir, why don't you sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for IS THAT A KNIFE? Did you just flash a knife? Jesus, fuck. That was a fucking knife... man... this is not worth it. Ok get yourself together Santa... here we go... Hello sir, what about you, sir? What would you like for Valentine's Day? Sir? I saw you perusing our Classics section... Could I offer you Schindler's Fist, or maybe Forrest Hump? How about Pulp Friction? Sexorcist? Battlestar Orgasmica? Beverly Hills 9021-Ho? The Load Warrior? Missionary: Impossible? On Golden Blonde? Jurassic Pork? Hannah Does Her Sisters? Pokeahotass? Top Bum? Sperminator? Edward Penishands? Riding Miss Daisy? Or perhaps you're just looking for straight up gonzo porn, like maybe Semen Demons? MILF Squirters? Wet Latex Dreams? Or perhaps one of our Backdoor Sluts series, volumes one to thirty two? Maybe you'd like to ask Valentine's Day Santa for some fun love products instead, sir? Like perhaps Santa could get you the pigtail butt plug? The three-breasted blow-up doll? The hooded spandex full body binder sack? The chastity cock-lock? The hot seat inflatable cushion vibe? The anal speculum? The rubber fisting mitten? The electro sex glove set? The tongue vibrator? The I Rub My Duckie massager? The auto suck? The pleasure periscope? The dildo gas mask? The stuffoscope? The Prince's Wand? The Mr. Jack with mustache? Why don't you just sit on Valentine's Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for Valentine's Day? No? Ok, suit yourself...
In fact, you know what? That's it. I'm done being the Valentine's Day Santa. No no no Wayne, I'm serious, this was the worst fucking idea ever. Nobody is responding to this. Who would ever want to sit on Santa's lap at a porn store? I can't believe you talked me into it. If there's one thing I have, it's my dignity. I'm taking off this red rubber suit and this floppy red Santa hat with the white dick knob on the end... here, take it, find yourself a new Valentine's Day Santa.
Oh and another thing Wayne, you can forget about booking me for the Easter Bunny gig too. I will NEVER wear that Bugs Bunny penis hood and hand out a basket full of chocolate testicles and caramel vaginas ever again.
That's right, don't you worry ladies, come and sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap... I know I know, you usually expect to see Santa at a mall or a department store, not at the Orifice Depot XXX Adult Warehouse sitting in a dark corner flanked by the double dildos selection on one hand and Brazilian Transsexual videos on the other, but where else would you find a Valentine's Day Santa than a place with all these wonderful adult toys and products that best capture the Valentine's Day spirit? Now now, don't worry, our shop attendant Wayne is right there, or at least he will be when he returns from cleaning the private video booths with the mop bucket... So don't you worry, just relax and enjoy the Valentine's Day season. Look! There's a steady flow of nervous gentlemen discreetly slinking in and out of the store too, obviously full of all that Valentine's Day cheer in their hearts and that special Valentine's Day stare in their eyes! Yes, especially the one over by the Japanese Gangbang section who seems to be frantically searching for something in his pocket as he looks at you with love-soaked Valentine's joy! He certainly has that warm Valentine's Day glow about him!
Now come close and take a seat here on Valentine's Day Santa's lap, ho ho ho! No no, I'm not calling you a Ho, that's simply the way Valentine's Day Santa laughs, Ho! Goodness me, someone seems frightened today. Stop shaking! Now there's just a few days till Valentine's Day, so why don't you start by telling Valentine's Day Santa if you've been naughty or nice, hm? Oh dear, I'm sorry, was I a little close to your face when I said that? No no no, that's not the smell of cigarettes and liquor on my breath at 11:30 in the morning, that's the smell of Valentine's Day cheer... Now tell Santa if you've been naughty this year sugar, go on, just tell Santa if you've... OH I'm sorry, am I squeezing you too tight? Ok ok, my left hand is off your thigh now and my right is off your waist, see? Dear me, don't be so shy my dear, it's me, your lovable Valentine's Day Santa! Just calm down.
Ok ok, you don't have to sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap if you don't want to, that's cool, just chill out. Stop freaking out. How about your friend there? That's right, come on... no no, don't be shy... come on... I insist... gotcha! You can't escape from Valentine's Day Santa now! No no, no point in trying to break loose, Valentine's Day Santa has a firm grip! Stop trying to pry your friend out of my hands ladies, it's no use, Santa has her now... Ho ho ho... who's your friend calling? No no no, there's been a misunderstanding ladies, there is absolutely no need to call the police! Just put the phone away... Ok, we're all just a little tense, everybody just be cool... just chill ladies, relax... calm the fuck down...
Are we cool? Are we cool? Thank you, now that we've settled down, just take it easy all of you and tell me what toys you'd like from Santa for Valentine's Day, ok? I take it you're all here at Orifice Depot to find something a little kinky or sexy or fun to impress your husbands and partners with, am I right? Maybe you want some edible lingerie or fragrant lube or flavored condoms? Or perhaps you'd like to propose to your man with one of our fine selection of elegant cock rings? Valentine's Day Santa can get you anything, and he sees that you've been naughty and nice, am I right? No no, don't call the police again, I didn't mean that in a creepy way... ok ok, no touching, I'm not touching you... see? Hands above my head... Now let's just relax again and let Valentine's Day Santa guide you to the right place to make this Valentine's Day extra magical... Are you ladies into orgy? Anal? Double penetration? Golden showers? Fisting? Bisexual? Lesbian? Interracial? Hentai? Bukkake? Bondage? Fetish? Wait wait wait, where are you going? Let Valentine's Day Santa read you our Valentine's Day specials! I work on commissions! BUY SOMETHING PLEASE! Oh great, they left.
Hello sir, why don't you sit on Valentine's Day Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for IS THAT A KNIFE? Did you just flash a knife? Jesus, fuck. That was a fucking knife... man... this is not worth it. Ok get yourself together Santa... here we go... Hello sir, what about you, sir? What would you like for Valentine's Day? Sir? I saw you perusing our Classics section... Could I offer you Schindler's Fist, or maybe Forrest Hump? How about Pulp Friction? Sexorcist? Battlestar Orgasmica? Beverly Hills 9021-Ho? The Load Warrior? Missionary: Impossible? On Golden Blonde? Jurassic Pork? Hannah Does Her Sisters? Pokeahotass? Top Bum? Sperminator? Edward Penishands? Riding Miss Daisy? Or perhaps you're just looking for straight up gonzo porn, like maybe Semen Demons? MILF Squirters? Wet Latex Dreams? Or perhaps one of our Backdoor Sluts series, volumes one to thirty two? Maybe you'd like to ask Valentine's Day Santa for some fun love products instead, sir? Like perhaps Santa could get you the pigtail butt plug? The three-breasted blow-up doll? The hooded spandex full body binder sack? The chastity cock-lock? The hot seat inflatable cushion vibe? The anal speculum? The rubber fisting mitten? The electro sex glove set? The tongue vibrator? The I Rub My Duckie massager? The auto suck? The pleasure periscope? The dildo gas mask? The stuffoscope? The Prince's Wand? The Mr. Jack with mustache? Why don't you just sit on Valentine's Santa's lap and tell him what you'd like for Valentine's Day? No? Ok, suit yourself...
In fact, you know what? That's it. I'm done being the Valentine's Day Santa. No no no Wayne, I'm serious, this was the worst fucking idea ever. Nobody is responding to this. Who would ever want to sit on Santa's lap at a porn store? I can't believe you talked me into it. If there's one thing I have, it's my dignity. I'm taking off this red rubber suit and this floppy red Santa hat with the white dick knob on the end... here, take it, find yourself a new Valentine's Day Santa.
Oh and another thing Wayne, you can forget about booking me for the Easter Bunny gig too. I will NEVER wear that Bugs Bunny penis hood and hand out a basket full of chocolate testicles and caramel vaginas ever again.
