Left: The Tobias Fünke bleeding botched hairplug look will make you stand out on Halloween
It's that baffling time of the year when it's somehow totally ok for little children to approach complete strangers and ask them for candy. It sounds like the totally wrong thing to do on paper, but it's not so bad when you compare it to other holidays that celebrate crucified space gods, chocolate rabbits, and the beginning of the genocide of Native Americans. And that's not even including holidays from other parts of the world that involve self-mutilation and the mass slaughter of animals. So when you think about it, Halloween isn't so bad as far as festive occasions go.
That having been said, most of us are pretty bored with all the usual vampire, ghost, werewolf or superhero costumes we see every year. So here are some alternative suggestions for out-of-the-ordinary characters that will make you stand out from all the other kids on Halloween while still faithfully contributing to this lucrative annual billion-dollar industry.
Babar the Incontinent Elephant
I know, nobody wants to hear "incontinent" and "elephant" in the same sentence, but hear me out. You will need a long hose, a paper mache trunk and one other person. Fix the hose to your garden tap, bring the hose up through the back of your elephant suit, up the neck and through the paper mache proboscis you have fixed to your face. When your neighbor opens the door, you say "Trick or Treat!" and your neighbor laughs and says "What are you, an anteater?" and you say "No asshole, I'm Babar the Incontinent Elephant!" which is your friend's cue to turn the water on as you spray your neighbor's shoes, pants and floor, crying "HUNTERS KILLED MY MOTHER!"
TIPS: Paper mache is the best choice for material because it's not only cheap and pliable, but the glue will get you high. Also, cover tip of hose with finger for extra spray.
Deformed Olsen Triplet (Who Has Just Escaped From Attic of Evil Twin Sisters)
You will need long blond hair and a deformed female munchkin face (buy a mask if you don't already have a deformed female munchkin face). Bang on the door repeatedly with both fists until opened, then pant and blabber in a panicked voice "HELP ME, PLEASE, MARY KATE AND ASHLEY ARE LOOKING FOR ME, PLEASE I BEG YOU, DON'T LET MY SISTERS TAKE ME ALIVE!"
TIPS: Starve yourself for a week and throw a spoilt tantrum if denied help so as to convince people that you are indeed an Olsen triplet.
Monty Python's Ethel the Aardvaark
You will need long ears and an extended pig-like snout, and you will also have to be highly argumentative. When asked what you are, you will say "I'm Ethel the Aardvaark, from the book Ethel the Aardvaark Goes Quantity Surveying by Charles Dikkens, the famous Dutch author, with two K's", after which there will be an extended back-and-forth in which you will exchange accusations of mistakenness as to the provenance and spelling of said author's name and authenticity of said book, accompanied by exponentially increasing levels of annoyance and confusion. Eventually you will be offered candy by the irritated adult, to whom you will say "Aardvaarks don't eat candy, they eat termites", to which they will answer "Well I don't have termites", to which you say "How can you be sure? Can I dig around in your basement?" to which they reply "No", to which you say "Why? What are you hiding in your basement?" after which they get defensive and angry, upon which you take out a bowl of Tic Tacs, say they're termite eggs, place it on the ground, get down on your hands and knees, and proceed to eat the entire bowl of Tic Tacs with barking and grunting noises. When finished, scream "ARE YOU SATISFIED NOW, YOU ANTI-TUBULIDENTATITE?!"
TIPS: Grow your fingernails a year beforehand for extra aardvaarky looking claws.
Halloween Industry Association PR Executive
Put on a business suit and a big holiday smile as you go door to door merrily stating that the Halloween Industry Association was formally incorporated in 2005 as a 501(c)(6) trade organization to promote and build the celebration of Halloween in the United States, representing businesses involved in the manufacture, importation or distribution of Halloween products including costumes, décor, novelty items and party supplies, and that HIA has grown to become the premier authority on Halloween and serves as a non-profit voice of the industry. Present your card, and wish each household consumer a Happy Halloween.
TIPS: In between houses, rob and steal candy from other kids which you can then redistribute to the children of wealthy Halloween Industry Association executives.
Arrested Development's Tobias Fünke
Go trick or treating as both an analyst and therapist combined, the world's first trick or treat analrapist. Bleeding hair plugs are A MUST. Make sure to use lots of unintentionally homosexual innuendo like "I've been dying to put some of that sweet stuff in my mouth all day, so dump that load right in my hands mister!"
TIPS: When pronouncing "analrapist", emphasis should be on the second syllable. Be sure to work on pronunciation.
The Love Child of Kim Kardashian and Charlie Sheen
You will need a ton of mascara, a big round ass, false teeth and madness. You will also need four other friends, three of whom will follow you with cameras, while the other follows you around dressed like a porn star/prostitute. When people open the door turn your ass to them, look back over your shoulder, bend knees slightly and say "Tricks and treats are like tiger teets filled with manna I suck from the earth bosom mother warlord spirit because I'm FUCKING WINNING!"
TIPS: Down a few cans of energy drink beforehand to simulate a genuine cocaine high. Stop once you achieve appropriate rate of heart palpitations.
Flatulator, The Wrath of Ass
To dress up as this alternative superhero, you'll need a body suit, boots, and cape, with a big F sown into your shirt. Declare yourself "FLATULATOR! THE WRATH OF ASS!" and then proceed to make assorted fart noises until you get your candy. Example: "Who are you supposed to be young man?" Answer: "ppfth"
TIPS: Keep lips tightly pursed and push air through forcefully.
Jack Sparrow, the Management Speak Pirate of the Caribbean
Dress up in a Jack Sparrow costume and say "Shiver me timbers matey, let's touch base later in the week to see if we can't go ahead and synergize an aggressive growth strategy that should expand our portfolio while positioning us competitively on the boarding and plunder segments vis-a-vis the Caribbean market, ARR."
TIPS: When you get your candy, look at your watch and say "I have an 8 o'clock scheduled, I'll slot you in for a follow-up at 7 o'clock on October 31, 2013, ye scurvy dog."
Russel, the Sausage-Loving Gorilla
Wear a gorilla suit, refuse all offers of candy with a violent swing of the arm, and repeatedly say "SAUSAGES" in your best gorilla voice. For extra effect, break a large branch off a tree and drag it behind you as you run in circles, shouting "SAUSAGES" at the top of your lungs while beating your chest with the other hand.
TIPS: I have a feeling this would also work with a Darth Vader outfit, for some reason.
Amy Winehouse, the Semi-Decomposed Zombie
By 2012, the decomposition should have really kicked into full-on skeletal mode, but that's no reason to deny yourself and others a little suspension of disbelief for some zany holiday fun!
TIPS: Stagger around like a deranged zombie and mutter like a crazy person to reproduce Amy's unforgettable Belgrade concert.
Pedro the Llama
You'll need a decent llama outfit and lots of expectorate. People will answer the door and say "Hi there, what are you?" upon which you act skittish and spit in their eye.
TIPS: Nervous kicking is also a fun option.
Train wreck
Dress up as Courtney Love.
TIPS: For extra effect, have make-up running down your face, wear ripped fishnet stockings, and stumble around babbling incoherently in a drug-induced daze. See Amy Winehouse above for tips.
Pirate
I know dressing up as a pirate sounds a little hackneyed, but imagine the surprise on people's faces when they see a Somali militiaman with an AK-47 on their doorstep!
TIPS: Don't just ask for some candy, take hostages until your demand for all the candy is met.
Enjoy Halloween, only 12 months to go!
