Time to stop complaining and start focusing on all the good things that Istanbul has to offer.
All some people do is poo-poo Istanbul. Month after month, year after year, whining and ranting on and on about how this sucks and that sucks. Some of these chronic gripers are even given their very own magazine columns to go on and on about everything that doesn't suit their precious little standards of excellence. Nagging on and on and on and on and on and on. Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag.
But there must be stuff that's good about Istanbul because lots of people live here, and not just people who don't have any choice because they were born here and have to deal with it because Sweden or New Zealand won't accept them, but also people who actually choose to live here. That means there are some good things in Istanbul. So this month let's focus our rant on all the positive things that this city has to offer, things that make you feel like there's no other place you'd rather be... except maybe the Bahamas (but that doesn't count, because the Bahamas must always seem like a better place to live than anywhere else).
1. Built-in bidets in toilets
Those ass-washing water pipes at the back of commodes are what everyone secretly loves the most about Istanbul... and probably wants to read about the least. So moving right along...
2. Nobody caring about money
If you go to the store and buy something and find that you're short of money, the shopkeepers often won't even care. They'll just give you what you need anyway and say that you can pay them later - which you always will, because it makes you sick to even consider not reciprocating such a nice attitude. Everyone wins because both shopkeeper and customer feel good about themselves for showing how honorable they are to each other. You could also try doing this in Europe (that was sarcasm).
3. No law and order
Whoa, how great is no laws?! Anyone can do anything anywhere anytime and usually get away with it. This is what we dream of as kids, and here in Istanbul those dreams come true. To test this: rent a jackhammer and a hard hat, light up a cigarette, go to the middle of any street, and start carving a big hole in the middle of the road while your friend diverts traffic. I bet you could totally do it.
4. No libraries
That's right, here there's none of those big obnoxious ivory towers where snooty bookworms can sneer down at you as they spit on your ignorant pin-sized head with their big-word-infested saliva. Here we have kebab restaurants instead. Which reminds me...
5. Kebab restaurants!
A gratuitous calorie binge of salt, heat, grease, hair, fat, sauce, sweat and sugar. Everything mammals have ever craved since the dawn of time.
6. The Bosphorus
I can't believe it took me till number six to think of this one. After all, it's a gazillion cubic tons of water running through the middle of a city with giant ships floating on it. How could that not be awesome?
7. Nightlife
I know, it sucks that alcohol is so expensive, because we're governed by religious zealots who think it's their God-given right to impose their belief that alcohol is evil on everybody else by taxing the living shit out of it and bringing in all sorts of cunning legal and monetary impediments to being able to get a liquor license, but despite that - and also despite all the smart-ass waiters and wanky bartenders and douchy bar owners and overcrowded venues crammed with self-important poseurs... wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, I was saying nightlife is still pretty good in Istanbul (as long as you stay in Asmalimescit). See? I'm being positive.
8. Flags
This city is a dream for vexillophiles (yes, that's the word you get if you Google 'flag lover' - unless you happen to commit an unfortunate typo, in which case you don't want to know what you get, at least not here) because there's probably more flags here per capita than there are in post-9/11 U.S.A. (Question: why doesn't America sell its old used flags to Iran where there's such a high demand for them for burning and dancing around while chanting curses? America makes a much-needed buck and Iran gets real American flags that have been made in China or Taiwan instead of the shabby ones they put together locally with twenty-three blotchy stars and sloppy stripes that look like they were painted on by epileptic kindergartners? This could be the beginning of direct trade ties between the two countries, upon which you could grow further trade in the future, like in rocks - Iran needs them to throw at adulterers while America has a whole mountain range named after the stuff just sitting there... but I digress)
9. Starbucks
This is the name of a great coffee shop-slash-cafe located just near my house in Beyoglu. But they don't just serve coffee they also have special types of tea (called 'tchai'), edibles, and even CDs. They also have wireless Internet access (a.k.a. 'Wi-Fi' - not pronounced 'wifey' but 'why fly' without the 'l' in 'fly', or like 'hi-fi' but with a 'w' instead of the 'h'). They sell different kinds of coffee from all over the world, all of which are delicious. Although it's a little expensive, it's a lot better value for money than Gloria Jeans, who suck and have no shame. In fact, I predict they will even open another branch in some other part of Istanbul at some point. Who knows, maybe they could eventually even become a global brand?
10. Pretty things to make money off of tourists with
E.g. Haghia Sophia, Topkapi, the Grand Bazaar, Dolmabahce, the Underground Cisterns, Galata Tower, Istanbul Modern, shiny bracelets, etc.
There's probably a bunch of other stuff that doesn't immediately come to mind, but I'll end with number ten, because that's how many fingers and thumbs I have, and that fact in turn has had a huge impact on the preference for the decimal system in human civilization (with the exception of the ancient Mesopotamians, who had a sexagesimal system, but we only use that for time and geometry, not Istanbul), which in turn has meant that lists are commonly expected to be written and presented with ten items or factors of ten (i.e. 'Ten golden rules', 'Top Ten with David Letterman', 'Ten Things I Hate About You', TKOs, space launch countdowns, most articles in Cosmopolitan, etc.). Also, the title of the article is 'Ten reasons why Istanbul is great', so that doesn't leave much room for flexibility either. The end.
P.S. I also really like those kiosks that sell freshly squeezed juices.
