Farting is fun, but we don’t always get the fart we want. Sometimes you think it’s going to be great, based on all the shifting and gurgling going on in your bowels, but then just when you think you’re ready for a loud vibrant resonating concerto for trombone in A-flat major, instead you end up with a squeaky little simper that seems to be saying “frrrrpt I need more fiber and tell your rectum to loosen up a little pssss.” Not good enough. It’s like you’re expecting the first movement of Beethoven’s 5th, but end up with a clarinet solo by Kenny G with a flat tire as chorus.
I have a feeling that in the future, as our level of degeneracy progresses on to yet more refined manifestations of sybarite decadence, we’re going to see specialty stores that will be geared to providing just the right style and texture of connoisseur farting that a demanding flatuphile might expect. They’ll have the right products to induce just the right kind of fart, and also samples of the kind of sound, smell, pitch and duration we’re all looking for in the perfect flatus. In fact a trip to such a store might go something like this:
“Ah, good morning sir, and welcome to Plopsidaisy.”
“Thisppppriffffsplthtiiii… Ahhh, yes thank you, we just came to browse.”
“Of course sir, and if you don’t mind my saying, that was quite a splendid passing of wind you presented upon entering. In fact I noticed some of our other customers admiring it too. Hm, let me guess, is that some kind of beetroot-broccoli-bread combo? I believe we have those.”
“Close, just asparagus and bread with essence of lentils actually… My wife and I are interested in Depth and Duration. Where could we find the D&D department?”
“Of course sir, please prrrrrrrrrfpt follow me.”
“Ooh, egg and beer?”
“Yes sir, very kind of you to notice pps”
“Good bouquet.”
“I agree, but the depth leaves a little to be desired thaaaaaspt”
“That’s the problem with egg and beer, it’s certainly tangy sprrrrp, but I find it needs something yeasty to give the depth you need thhhhockspt”
“Right you are, sir, right you are. Ah, here we are, D&D. Let me just give you a general rundown of the products on offer; here we have the fruit and dairy combos for those particularly wet raspy results, over here we have your classic bean and sausage combo for depth, duration and that distinctly thick robust flavor that seeps into your clothes and lasts days… Ah, this is the garlic and cheese with seafood section, not to be recommended unless you have a good grasp of flatology and a significant degree of experience dealing with dairy-seafood combos in particular, here we have some condiments and side dishes: horse radish, Worcestershire sauce, milk, eggs, bran, oatmeal, etc. That should be enough to get you started. If you should need any assistance, my name is Ste-phhhhhhhhspotuprrrit-ahhh-ven.”
“Thank you, Steven, frrp. Hm, now, let’s see, what did you have in mind dear? PTHTHTH”
“PPPPPP, maybe something with beans? sffft”
“Grrrlopspoot, interesting ppp, bean and milk. That sounds pretty good pplock”
“Frpl-sptthhhh, yes but a little volatile and messy. Leaves too many skid marks.”
“Hm, you’re right. Oh, this looks phhhhhstfprp-aaaah new: buttermilk, chickpeas, and bacon! I’ve never had that before paaaaaaaa”
“Now that looks like a good one. Perhaps we can get some of that for our little get together Friday night? pp”
“Oh, I forgot about that, Shirley and Andrew are coming DOOTHPUTRISFUSTIFFFFFFFF right? I think that’s a good idea, something new, we’ll surprise them, beeeeeeeeekrp”
“Goodness! Did you have a little snack before we left the house UUUUUUUSSS?”
“Guilty! I couldn’t resist when I saw the cheddar and garlic spread. I had to smear some all over the PLAFTIpppppppppeeeee leftover fish bashhhhhppr.”
“Oooo, potent! I think my eyes are watering… Ok, well, let’s ask the assistant for a sample. Excuse me! gurglop”
“Ah, yes madam, yes sir, have you found something to your liking?”
“Yes, we’d like to have a sample of the buttermilk, chickpeas and bacon f”
“But of course sir, please follow me to the gustation room… Here we go, please close the door behind you madam. Excuse me one moment, MATTHEW, CAN YOU TURN OFF THE VENTILATION PLEASE? Good, now… would you like some mushy bread thrown in?”
“Oh, I think we’re fine as it is. But can I get some baby food on the side?”
“Of course sir, what flavor?”
“Make it banana, thpff”
“Oh, you already have some flatulation going I see sir?”
“Yes, I had a snack before I came spssss… between you me, I like to treat myself to a little when the missus ain’t looking hahahaha wink wink thpaflooooosportiiiiiii”
“Goodness me sir, it sounded like you just farted the word ‘sporty’ hahaha… very good sir. Ok we’re ready, I’m going to pour the buttermilk in these gourds pssss, please watch out for the splash from the chunks of bacon and smaller droppings of chickpeas that will be falling out.”
SPLOSH
“Oh, dear, please excuse me madam, let me just wipe that off your face… There. Now, sir, would you like first taste? frp”
“Yep, bring it on, pass me the ladle fiiiiiiiiiiisprt”
“Madam, now you. Ooo, don’t hold back madam, that’s what you have the bib for. Please feel free to read these magazines, or go through our brochure while you wait for the flatufication to kick in.”
“Ooo, I’m already feeling some rumblings down there”
“Oh yes, me too dear… This is good! This is very good!”
“Let me see that brand again… Hm, FC, very good ppp. It’s like I have a baby kicking inside my stomach, thhhhhhhhhhhplurt”
“Yes sir, Flatucorp have been one of the prime contenders in the industry of late, gaining rapidly on Gasulicious Ltd., and the German company Pfitzer, sssspftz who are big in Europe pppppppp”
“Yes, we’re big fans of their thockspffffff ‘Have A Sniff!’ ad campaign… o dear, I think… I think it’s coming… piiiiii”
“Yes, I think this is going to be a good one wff... Steven quick pull my finger!”
“Very droll madam! I can see from the glazed look in your eyes that you are about to have a very pleasant one indeed. As for the FC products, well I can say that they always offer good depth, range, volume, and of course a particularly pungent redolance – in fact, this product promises flatuses that, I quote, “may measure up to 8.7 on a flatugram”, which is very rare indeed as far as…”
“Quick pull it now Ste... PPPPPROOOOFFFFFFFTROTHPATROPHATROBLIPFTHPRUTH, oh boy”
“Oh my, PPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFSSSSSSSTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSS”
“Goodness me I, SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSPLOFTHPFTH”
“Gosh this is, FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHPLNCKRAPSTOTHBLG”
“Heavens I’m, GLOOOOOOPSPRTHPISTIPLOOP”
“We’ll buy it! FPLOFFFFPHTRIFTHISPITHPLAAACKSTURPH”
“Exquisite! MMMDRUFPLITHTESZSZSZ”
“Wonderful! ZTOOOOOOOOTHPURFITUTH”
“Aromatic! LKLKLKLKTHROWTHPOWFPORTHWITOSTTTTTTTH”
CHURTLE CHURTLE THPOOOOOOOOOOW THPOFTHPISSSSTRUPHOCK GOLLOGOLLOGOLLOFLOPTHWISTWALTHROST
PPPPPPLLLLLLLLLOFFFFFFTHTHTHTHTHTHLOSH
BULIBULIBOLIBULIBOLIBLBLBLBLBLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPSPEEEEEETHG
LUBALUBALUBAGLOFTHPOTHRUFISTIGROPHUTHPUUUURRRRRRRST
PPPPFFFFFRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFPPPPPPPPPP
(etc.)
